XII-IX

Thursday night professional football on the electronic television machine is set aside to give love to two unrecognized teams undeserving of recognition, the MAGA Republicans of the NFL. Last night for instance it was the New Orleans Aints (2-4) and the Arizona Cardinals (2-4). Do you care who won? Of course not, you have two functioning brain cells unlike viewers, fans of Flotsam and Jetsam, MAGA Republicans. As self-flagellation for sins never committed or sexual gratification unbidden and unreceived the legendary, consummately professional sports announcer Al Michaels (1980 Olympic hockey, Hagler-Hearns) agreed to call these games for Fox viewers as break from Tucker Carlson. I don't watch, I don't follow, I don't self-flagellate for any reason.

However, in my discipline requiring no discipline I missed a classic two weeks ago, a game so bad it was good, with play so inept it was humorous art, like an Elvis-on-velvet painting or an Iowa intra-squad scrimmage. The final score is deserving of recognition in the classic Roman script: Indianapolis XII Denver IX. The game produced a little bit of everything, IV field goals to III, a blocked field goal, IV interceptions, VI fumbles, XII punts, VII players lost to injury, overtime; it produced a little bit of everything except touchdowns. It was Chinese water torture or death by a thousand cuts. The game produced memes and commentary written in gold in the lingua franca of funny, Twitter-ese, for which it served as the mother lode.

Show of hands, who among us was surprised when Michaels actually came back out for the second half after splashing water on his face and praying for January?

Lot of hands up, it looks like.

AP Hawkeye

@andypaughrules1

This is the kind of game that may drive Al Michaels to retire. He’s just had it.

11:30 PM · Oct 6, 2022

·Twitter for iPhone

 

And from Mr. Michaels hisself:

Jimmy Traina
Oct 6
@JimmyTraina

"This is the type of game you'd have as the fifth regional on CBS on Sunday." -- Al Michaels

Jimmy Traina
@JimmyTraina

"It's 1st and Goal. Words I thought I would never speak tonight. -- Al Michaels

10:18 PM · Oct 6, 2022
·Twitter Web App

So there you have it, +’s and -‘s, the first NFL game played in the post-nuclear future, a toe dipped in the shit puddles of dystopia's effluvium, a football game in which a Conservative Party leadership conference broke out, the desperate flailing of the English-speaking peoples as they disappear beneath the muck and mirth of,

Thursday

     Night

          Football