this WILL get better, right?

you know how when you're madly in love you say things that you think are so profound and universal that they must speak to all of mankind? how when you read your old love letters you want to shoot yourself in the head at the puerile melodrama?

once, early on, but after i'd fallen completely in love with b i wrote her a love note in which i compared my inevitable loss of her to the sentiment expressed by churchill when his wife died: "the light in my life went out forever." that's pretty bad.

allowing that the comparison of a breakup with a girlfriend to the the death of a spouse is over the top, what i also said to her many times, that i may never get over her, may turn out to be true. it has lasted a year and a half which is approximately a year and five months longer than i thought when we finally pulled the plug.

had another blood-rush-out-of-my-head moment today. a friend told me she's getting married in january.

besides being broken up for a year and a half, (1) i've known for a year that she was so in love with a new man that she and he had each met the other's parents and had talked about marriage. (2) i've known for about six months that she had bought a house with him. (3) earlier this month in a blood-rush moment i saw her with what i thought was a wedding band on her finger. i guess it wasn't, but it was apparently a matter of when not if.

so today i hear what i already know and i almost faint. ever since, all day, i've been in a fog.

i am NOT going to let this blog morph from a war blog into a proust blog into a breakup blog. i WON'T, goddamn it.

what the fuck is the matter with me? 49 years old, divorced DOS and i've felt like a love lorn teenager for a year and a half???

b, your kisses were like the sweetest wine, i shan't be able to go on without you, my love is like a river overflowing its banks.

oh jeezus, somebody give me a gun.


-benjamin harris