I give Amerikan enemy background. Great Patriotic War of National Liberation from Nazi Allies very trauma Rooski brain. We like Uncle Adolph. Then Uncle Adolph cheat. He take advantage Rooski pea brain and vodka booze and do Barbaroossa. Kick our white anoos today and tomorrow. If no Franklin Delano Roosevelt Rooski talk kraut. This very trauma this day many Rooskis. College Boris Borisy'vena one of these. I vety careful what say around Boris. I say wrong thing Boris loose mind. I say right thing but Boris take wrong Boris loose mind. You see in this book, YOU SEE!
We take lesson from Great Patriotic War National Liberation Nazi Ally. Lesson: "allies nyet goot; enemy goot". So we make Amerikan allies enemy. Amerikan enemy always pick on great Soviet Union. Pick, pick, pick. Great Patriot Leader Stalin have famine problem, pick. Stalin kill some swine Rooski, pick. "HUMAN RIGHTS! HUMAN RIGHTS! HUMAN RIGHTS!" say Amerikan enemy ALL THE TIME. "But you lynch Negroes," we say back and Amerikan enemy get so mad. Great success.
We make goot enemy Amerika. But one time we too goot almost go BOOM! October Crisis. Peasant brain Khrushchev try sneak peepy little missiles into Fidel. Kennedee get soo mad. Kennedee almost boom us. We nyet understand. Why Kennedee scared peepy missiles? USA have goot missiles right by great Soviet Union. We poot few peepy missiles Cuba Kennedee loose mind. Nikita turn boats around. Great humiliate. We out Nikita. He go sell potatoes on street Minsk. But we get Kennedee! We sneak great patriot into USA he shoot Kennedee HAHAHAHAHA. Great success.
Peasant Nikita make many stupids. One stoopid he give back Ukraine. But we get Ukraine back!
Then swine Gorbachev give away Soviet Union like Rooski girl give away poosy. Here, take poosy, you nyet need rape, I give away poosy free. Not even rubles you pay. Take! It yours. Swine Gorbachev give away Soviet Union like it poosy. Here Reagan fock Soviet Union like it Rooski girl! Make Soviet Union hang like wizard sleeve poosy from too much deeck fock.
Then Amerikan enemy cheat us. "We no want inch more territory except for Nazi ally." "Okay," say idyit Rooski pea brain Gorbachev. Great Patriot Leader Vladimir Putin know this very goot! Great Leader Putin in liberated Germany at time Gorbachev give it to Amerikan enemy. Vladimir have to return to Soviet Union and sell watches on street corner St. Petersburg to eat! Then Amerikan enemy cheat like Nazi ally did. Polacks, poof! Hungries, poof! Czechs--we liberate Czechs in 1968!--Amerikan enemy take. Even Litvians, Lithiums, poof! Rooski vety mad. Humiliate!
Then what do Amerikan enemy do? Boy Boosh, Great Patriot Leader Vladimir Putin always like Boy Boosh. Both stoopid. Georgia want go away. We no let. Boy Boosh get so mad at Vladimir. Vladimir so sad. We see Amerikan enemy try draw circles round Great Soviet Union. They think Rooski stoopid. It true. So? They pick Litvians, Lithiums. Pick Georgia. Why you want other Georgia, you already have one! Pick, pick, pick. We see true Amerikan strategy encircle. Then what Amerikan enemy do? Try take Ukraine! Great Patriot Leader Vladimir Putin tell Condee Rice "Ukraine ours."
Then what American enemy do? Select Negro president! They screw us today tomorrow next Tuesday! Now we no can say "But you lynch Negroes" anymore. We very sad. Obama (Negro) make Mrs Hillary Minister of Foreign Relations. Mrs Hillary SO ANNOYING! Pick, pick, pick. She try take Ukraine! We select Great Patriot Leader Vladimir Putin president. Mrs Hillary say no legit, we cheat! It true. So? But we nyet can say "You lynch Negroes" anymore. Vladimir soo mad at Mrs Hillary for knowing he no legit. Mrs Hillary pain in Vladimir's assholes. We send peepy green men take back Ukraine. "Oh, we don't know who peepy green men is!" Ukraines and Amerikan enemy Negro and Mrs Hillary vety confuse. This when we see Amerikan enemy stoopid like us. So we keep Ukraine. Vladmir think "How stop Amerikan enemy?" Vladimir got it: YOU NYET LEGIT TOO! HAHAHAHAHAHA! Vladimir make sure Mrs Hillary nyet get elect president USA.
Vladimir go to top general Soviet army, bring him to Kremlin. He genius IQ in computer machines. "I want you fock Amerikan enemy in anoos like they do us fifty year! I want nyet legit president USA so we can say, 'You nyet legit too' like we use say 'You lynch Negroes.' You can do?"
"Da, Great Leader Putin."
"Real?," Vladimir surprise.
"Who you get? I WANT MOST NYET LEGIT PERSON IN WHOLE USA!"
"Leader Putin. You know Disco von Clownstick, nyet?"
"Who? Vladimir not know that name.
"Dumph? Donald Dumph. He change name to Trump. You know Dumph/Trump?"
"Da! I know vety well! He want Rooski girls pee on Obama bed, it weird, but I order some patriot Rooski virgins to give bed golden showers."
"Leader Putin, years ago we install metal plate in Dumph/Trump head."
"Real?"
"Da, Leader." "What goot?"
"I expert in computer machines Leader Putin. We send electronic signals to Dumph brain put ideas in head."
"YOU GENERAL GREATEST PATRIOT GENIUS IN HISTORY OF GREAT SOVIET UNION! I order you 46 Russian virgins for you use."
"Nyet necessity Leader Putin."
"What signals you send to Trump brain plate?"
"Run for president of USA."
"IDYIT! NYET WORK! I cancel 46 virgins. Nyet get clown selected."
"Leader Putin. Genius IQ students at University St. Petersburg do study of Amerikan enemy people brain."
"Real?"
"Da. Amerikan enemy people just like Rooski people."
"RETARD?"
"Da, Leader. Just like us."
"LUNATIC?"
"Da, Leader."
"Alcohol brain?"
"Da! Leader Putin, I come up with signals to send to Amerikan enemy Retard Lunatic Drunks, I nyet promise get Donald Dumph select president USA 2016.
Vladimir make frowny face.
"But Leader Putin. I promise make next Amerikan president nyet legit."
"GENERAL YOU BACK TO GENIUS HERO OF SOVIET UNION. I LET YOU FOCK MY ANOOS IF YOU WANT. It very tight."
"Nyet need, Leader. I hate Amerika, Negro, and Mrs Hillary."
That why we do this thing to you. We, mostly me, explain how we do it and how we keep it.