Wednesday, July 31, 2019

Picking Bones: James Fenimore Cooper. Finis

I once read a book by a Polish winner of the Nobel Prize. According to his Nobel certificate as I recall it he was being awarded the prize for his descriptive writing. As much of the book as I read dealt with a wake. The author wrote in great, truly fine, descriptive detail of the Polish customs of the time, the subtle perfuming of the death room, fine makeup touches applied to cover spots on the corpse; I remember a repeated description of a candle, the golden flame, the taper, and so forth. I didn't think much of the story and did not finish although I recognized the descriptive writing as truly fine. There was a sense of the fine descriptive writing as a parlour trick--like the miraculous detail in the paintings of the Dutch Golden Age; there was a sense with the Polish author that that was all that he did really well.

The trick is having a photographic memory. Hemingway had it, knew that he had it, admitted that he had it, not that he had to admit it, it is so obviously in play in his novels, and James Fenimore Cooper had it. As the undersigned was copying the outstanding examples of Cooper's descriptive writing for Part I in this series he was conscious of how long those excerpts were. Perhaps the reader noticed. Cooper on this measure of writerly greatness is unsurpassed, in my limited exposure to literature, unequaled, and Cooper is conscious of his genius. He misses no opportunity to show it off. Creates opportunities to show it off. Creates opportunities to be a descriptive writer at the expense of being storyteller, social commentator, most of all, of enchanter.

"Our tale begins..." writes Cooper on the second page of Chapter I of The Pioneers, with Elizabeth's re-introduction into Templeton/Cooperstown in the sleigh over the mountain pass leading to the valley. The tale is interrupted however by three full pages given over to description of the sleigh and the mountains, the trees and the sky, before continuing with the encounter with the Leatherstocking, Natty Bumpo. The undersigned was not conscious of the duration of this interruption on previous readings and even on this reading initially considered it necessary scene-setting, extraordinarily well done. Until he began copying it. The undersigned still felt that it was necessary and that it was well done, but now admixed with those complimentary feelings was a feeling that it was a bit over done. Like the death chamber description of the Polish Nobel laureate. I do not remember what the Pole's story was that the juniper berries and tallow were complement to, and the story is the thing unless the book were how-to manual for Polish peasant undertakers. Similarly, the complementary detail at the beginning of The Pioneers has nothing whatsoever to do with Cooper's story but becomes the thing because that is the thing that Cooper does so extraordinarily well. It distracts from the story because, Cooper does not know how to tell a story. And since the story is the thing...

When the Leatherstocking is introduced in Chapter I the reader, when the reader gets past the three page interruption of scene description, is further disabused of the notion she was forming that a Homer had been discovered among the Catskills in 1823. The undersigned was conscious even at first reading of grave literary offense* committed by Fenimore Cooper on the introduction of the Leatherstocking, a child of the wilderness, in his eighth decade of life in The Pioneers, with a lone yellow tusk for a tooth in his mouth, for out of that mouth came an abundance of verbiage matching the abundance of foliage described by Cooper in the mountains where the dialogue takes place. And this is the thing: Natty Bumpo did not say all of that; Natty Bumpo did not talk like that; Natty Bumpo would have been a man of few words. Cooper felt the need to introduce the moral of the story at this juncture and stuffed it all in there at once in stilted, inauthentic dialogue. It is done with the subtlety of a sledgehammer not the scalpel of the literary surgeon.

Chapter II is its own interruption, seven pages of Marmaduke Temple's genealogy--necessary to the story that follows! if Cooper can ever get there. This is quite rich criticism of an author whose storytelling enchanted the world and which enchants this reader to the present day. Making no apology for that it takes Cooper forty-three pages to get Elizabeth down that goddamned mountain and into her father's house and the undersigned makes no excuse for Cooper for that either.

In the opinion of the undersigned Fenimore Cooper had a real, completely charming, story to tell just from his family's history in Cooperstown but he defaced that real story by the literary conventions of the age, that a novel must not be too true to real life, that it must be more a product of the writer's imagination; that the plot must be imaginatively, unrealistically thick and circuitous; that there must always be a "moral" to the story; that, as a romance, there must always be some of that too and that it, both the romance and the novel, must end happily, the former of course in happy marriage between a frequently unlikely couple, the latter on some like cheery note or at least not in utter tragedy. Not for anything is a novel of this period by any novelist going to end in the death of the mother and baby in childbirth and the man walking back up the hill from the hospital alone. The Pioneers is the literary equivalent of "the composite order" in the architecture of Marmaduke Temple's mansion, classically structured, after Scott, and borrowing elements from the various templates of the day. In writing a la mode Cooper does not disappoint and in that he disappoints. He is mediocre--at best--as storyteller, on that measure of writerly greatness the undersigned and the vast majority of the reading public disagree; he is inconstant as moralist. But, in The Pioneers, James Fenimore Cooper does indeed enchant. Me. On this too I am in a decided minority. The Pioneers is the least popular of The Leatherstocking Tales. So be it.

The undersigned has returned so frequently to The Pioneers in the last sixteen years, not for the story, not for moral instruction, but for enchantment. The Pioneers is thick with humour, covert and overt, wonderfully written humorous vignettes taken from Cooper's real life or the lives of those he knew. Like Pilgrim's Way The Pioneers provides a feel-good salve to my soul. Fenimore Cooper had a happy life growing up in Cooperstown. He was a cantankerous old bastard who earned the enmity of much of the literary world but he had a delightful life growing up. I like that. I return for his descriptive writing. I gape at those hyper-realistic scenes like I do at a van Eyck painting. I return for the honest realism of an infant America that is nowhere else available.

James Fenimore Cooper in The Pioneers is an enchanter. That is Vladimir Nabokov's sine qua non of a writer's greatness. Therefore, Cooper was a great writer.


*Conscious borrowing here from Mark Twain's indictment after Cooper's death, "The Literary Offenses of Fenimore Cooper."

Monday, July 29, 2019

Bonnie and Clyde/Breyer and Kam

The two Canadian butterflies broke containment around Gillam, Manitoba where they were trapped between the Mounties and the deep blue of Hudson Bay. They are now believed to be southwest of Gillam around York Landing, 204 km (127 miles) away.

Sunday, July 28, 2019

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Picking Bones: James Fenimore Cooper, II

Since the undersigned has wholly lifted from Nabokov's lecture on Bleak House and Dickens and applied his divine ecstasies in toto to The Pioneers and Cooper it seems only fair play to ascertain greatness with the categories Nabokov employed on the former, viz, storyteller, moralist (the undersigned suggests "social commentator" as the near equivalent to and more clearly understood than "moralist"), and enchanter.

Fenimore Cooper was first and foremost a social commentator. He was an ardent, aggressive champion of American republicanism and the same as opponent of aristocracy and monarchy. A European interregnum between his lives in America converted him from part-time romancer, part-time social commentator to full-time social commentator.

The Pioneers, the earliest of The Leatherstocking Tales, sub-sub-titled "A Descriptive Tale" is briefly descriptive of the new America generally: It is a "happy country" where "...under the dominion of mild laws...every man feels a direct interest in the prosperity of a commonwealth of which he knows himself to form a part." The overt social commentary in The Pioneers is how those "mild laws" are nonetheless encroaching on the liberty and the way of life of older residents, both white and red, restricting their hunting grounds and pushing them ever further away into the wilderness. Cooper had success with his second novel The Spy, a book about the Revolutionary War, and the undersigned assumes that The Spy was read in Great Britain as well as in America. There is a sense in which this commentary may have been intended as contrast for his British readership. Certainly this was: "Any of our readers who has occasion to cross the Niagara may easily observe not only the self-importance, but the real estimation enjoyed by the humblest representative of the crown...Such, and at no very distant period, was the respect paid to the military in these states, where now, happily, no symbol of war is ever seen, unless at the free and fearless voice of their people." (The War of 1812 was just eleven years distant at the time of publication.)

Cooper also provides a window onto the differences among two of the new states of the New Republic, formerly colonies of Great Britain, New York and Pennsylvania, with a word or two on New Jersey. "The habits and language" of Marmaduke/William "were somewhat marked by [the] peculiarities" of his Quaker upbringing and to his death "when much interested or agitated" he would "speak in the language of his youth." We know of course that there is a Southern idiom, a Massachusetts idiom, a "Lon Gisland" idiom; some of us know that there is also a western Pennsylvania idiom. The undersigned does not know however what the Quaker idiom may have been and the only instances that he can recall in the speech pattern of Marmaduke/William as recorded by Fenimore Cooper are an old-fashioned use of "thy" and "thou" and so forth.

Be that as it may, we must here pause. Before continuing with Cooper's illuminating commentary on the states after which we shall begin the cudgel phase of of our Cooper treatment, we must briefly interrupt these proceedings to reach back and give added vigorous whack to a former subject of "Picking Bones," James McPherson. Perhaps the most striking, certainly one of the most-quoted, oft-cited statements by McPherson in Battle Cry of Freedom is this: "Before 1861 the two words 'United States' were generally rendered as a plural noun: 'the United States are a republic.' The war marked a transition of the United States to a singular noun." McPherson offers no authority for this "general" statement. In re-reading The Pioneers (pub. 1823) for the instant posts the undersigned experienced acute exasperation at the use of the United States as a singular noun four times by the nation's first novelist cum social commentator. On the first page of the the first chapter he writes that "the numerous sources of the Susquehanna [Sources of the Susquehanna is the sub-title] meander through the valleys until, uniting their streams, they form one of the proudest rivers of the United States." On the third page (Signet Classic page 15) in a footnote Cooper writes "Sleigh is the word used in every part of the United States to denote a traineau." In Chapter VII, page 85: "Ten years later still, when England and the United States were again engaged in war..." And on page 128 in a footnote: "The divines of the Protestant Episcopal Church of the United States..." In each instance Cooper uses the singular as if it were second nature for him to so do; as if it were not the first time he had used it as such, nor the first time he had heard it used as such by others; as if, that is, the United States were generally NOT rendered as a plural noun prior to 1861. For this, James McPherson:


We now resume. "An ancestor of Marmaduke Temple [i.e. of Fenimore Cooper's father] had...come to the colony of Pennsylvania, a friend and co-religionist of its great patron." He had been a Quaker and friend of William Penn. The ancestor had been of great wealth and so unaccustomed to the rigors of the frontier. His wealth diminished as he supported his dependents and that of more ambitious settlers accustomed to hard work increased. This was "very common" in "the middle colonies" "but it was peculiarly [so] in the peaceful and unenterprising colonies of Pennsylvania and New Jersey." The Quakers were peaceful. The position of the family decreased. Fenimore Cooper's grandfather began the revival of the family, aided by marriage to a woman of means, which enabled him to send his son, William Cooper away from "the low state of the common schools in Pennsylvania" which "had been the practice in the family for the two or three preceding generations" for his education.

This was of surpassing interest to the undersigned for like William Cooper who lived in only two states, Pennsylvania and New York, the undersigned had until 1982 lived in only two states, Pennsylvania and Massachusetts, and he too saw a vast difference in the state of the schools he attended in those two original thirteen colonies. The contrast was so striking that he became intensely curious how the two settlements, starting from the same original position, came to diverge so markedly. Pennsylvania: one president, the worst, James Buchanan, until the present usurper. Massachusetts: five (counting George H.W. Bush who merely was born there), the two Adamses, Coolidge and Kennedy, four in the top half of all presidents. Pennsylvania: the University of Pennsylvania, Carnegie Tech, now Carnegie Mellon. Massachusetts: My God--Harvard, MIT, Amherst, Williams, Tufts, Brandeis. The divergence is accounted for by the book whose title supplies the answer: Puritan Boston and Quaker Philadelphia (Philadelphia is doubly handicapped by being right across the river from unenterprising New Jersey. The Puritans, wrote one reviewer "celebrated civic power and class authority. Philadelphia was built by Quakers, who championed equality and deference." Equality and deference: leveling and unenterprising as described by Fenimore Cooper.

And what of New York? No peaceful and unenterprising there, hoooo doggie! We know not where William Cooper was educated, only that it was "in a rather better manner" away from Pennsylvania but Fenimore Cooper tells us that the father of "Edward Effingham," William's school friend, and later benefactor, was a native of New York. New York has produced five presidents including the very best, Franklin Delano Roosevelt and Theodore Roosevelt, and the very worst, Donald J. Trump. No deference there. New York's best colleges and universities, Columbia, Cornell, are among the very best in the nation.

"Major Effingham," Edward's father, was a British colonial military officer. Fenimore Cooper:

On one occasion, while in command on the western frontier of Pennsylvania against a league of the French and Indians, not only his glory, but the safety of himself and his troops were jeoparded by the peaceful policy of that colony. To the soldier, this was an unpardonable offense. He was fighting in their defense...[He] succeeded, after a desperate conflict, in extricating himself, with a handful of his men, from their murderous enemy; but he never forgave the people who had exposed him to a danger which they left him to combat alone.
So embittered was the Major of the Quakers that his son had to conceal from him his friendship and commercial intercourse with Marmaduke Temple/William Cooper.

I see that this post has already become quite long, what with the sideswipe at McPherson and all the rest. It seems prudent therefore to leave until the next, and the last, post on this subject the rise and fall of the cudgel on James Fenimore Cooper.

Saturday, July 27, 2019

Picking Bones: James Fenimore Cooper, I

There are few books on the shelves--or laying on the flooring 5-6 deep like an accumulation of edifying snow along the baseboard of the bedroom, on which the undersigned lately caught a toe sending him crashing headlong to the concrete, his iPhone flying, jamming painfully his left pinky finger, landing him on his left hip, more injury to personal dignity than to his physical person, for he is Old--I say, there are few books to which the undersigned has turned with the frequency and which have provided him the succor as The Pioneers by Fenimore Cooper.

According to the inside flap the undersigned purchased the volume on November 22, 2003, the occasion he remembers well as it was at the airport preparing to depart for Lake Placid, New York to fetch his son and his son's friend who had just completed hockey camp when he was seized by an immediate anxiety that he had neglected to  pack one of the edifying snowflakes for the trip and in his anxious haste seized on this volume as probable, suitable companion for the solitude of the flight.

The Pioneers is first in the series The Leatherstocking Tales, the first novels by an author in the New World whose subject matter is the New World thus distinguishing Cooper the first American novelist.

Cooper's career as writer began in manner similar to the careers in whatever field of this new mutant species of humanity, the American. Challenged, by his wife in this instance, to do something, anything, better than their betters in the Old World, Cooper, of course accepted the challenge to write a novel superior to, e.g., those of Sir Walter Scott and deemed himself, an expellee from Yale for conspiring to blow off the door of a classmate's room after previously having been censured for introducing a donkey into a classroom and locking him in, repositor of the talent requisite to become Gabriel of the New Republic's letters. On this foundation of sand--and of the precursor of dynamite--astonishingly the ass pulled it off to notable degree.

Consciously or no Cooper followed the injunction of Revelation to, “Write the things which thou hast seen, and the things which are…,” and Behold! created the realism writing style that was to become characteristic of the American, for instance, of Ernest Hemingway.

Published in 1823 and set in the America of 1793 The Pioneers, sub-titled “A Descriptive Tale,” provides and unapproached view of the country and its people so soon after creation. Cooper’s talent at descriptive writing was indeed prodigious, truly astounding, unsurpassed even by Dickens, and his characters drawn so accurately that it was child’s play to identify their life models, William Cooper, the son’s father, for Marmaduke Temple, Dr. Nathaniel Gott for the fictional Dr Elnathan Todd (transparent fig leaf there, albeit), Father Nash-Reverend Mr Grant, Nathaniel Shipman-Natty Bumpo.

The undersigned is constrained to excerpt at length two instances of scene description that are in their unrealistic hyper-realism pure art, the literary equivalent of that detail seen in The Golden Age of Dutch Painting, in order to illustrate Cooper’s talent:

It was near the setting of the sun on a clear, cold day in December, when a sleigh was moving slowly up on of the mountains…The day had been fine for the season, and but two or three large clouds, whose color seemed brightened by the light reflected from the mass of snow that covered the earth, floated in a sky of the purest blue…There was a glittering in the atmosphere as if it were filled with innumerable shining particles, and the noble bay horses that drew the sleigh were covered, in many parts, with a coat of hoar frost. The vapor from their nostrils was seen to issue like smoke, and every object in the view, as well as every arrangement of the travelers, denoted the depth of a winter in the mountains. The harness, which was of a deep dull black, differing from the glossy varnishing of the present day, was ornamented with enormous plates and buckles of brass, that shone like gold in those transient beams of the sun which found their way obliquely through the tops of the trees. Huge saddles studded with nails and fitted with cloth that served as blankets to the shoulders of the cattle, supported four high, square-topped turrets, through which the stout reins led from the mouths of the horses to the hands of the driver…The sleigh was one of those large, comfortable, old-fashioned conveyances which would admit a whole family within its bosom…The color of its outside was a modest green, and that of its inside a fiery red. The latter was intended to convey the idea of heat in that cold climate. Large buffalo skins, trimmed around the edges with red cloth cut into festoons, covered the back of the sleigh and were spread over its bottom and drawn up around the feet of the travelers—one of whom was a man of middle age and the other a female, just entering upon womanhood…A greatcoat that was abundantly ornamented by a profusion of furs enveloped the whole of his figure, excepting the head, which was covered with a cap of marten skins lined with morocco, the sides of which were made to fall, if necessary, and were now drawn close over the ears and fastened beneath his chin with a black riband. The top of the cap was surmounted with the tail of the animal whose skin had furnished the rest of the materials, which fell back, not ungracefully, a few inches behind the head…The form of his companion was literally hid beneath the garments she wore. There were furs and silks peeping from under a large camlet cloak with a thick flannel lining that, by its cut and size, was evidently intended for a masculine wearer. A huge hood of black silk that was quilted with down concealed the whole of her head, except at a small opening in front for breath, through which occasionally sparkled a pair of animated jet-black eyes.

The mountain on which they were journeying was covered with pines that rose without a branch some seventy or eighty feet and which frequently doubled that height by the addition of the tops…The dark trunks of the trees rose from the pure white of the snow in regularly formed shafts until, at a great height, their branches shot forth horizontal limbs that were covered with the meager foliage of an evergreen…To the travelers there seemed to be no wind, but these pines waved majestically at their topmost boughs, sending forth a dull, plaintive sound…



...

When Elizabeth was attired, she approached a window and drew its curtain, and throwing open its shutters, she endeavored to look abroad on the village and the lake. But a thick covering of frost on the glass, while it admitted the light, shut out the view. She raised the sash, and then, indeed, a glorious scene met her delighted eye.


The lake had exchanged its covering of unspotted snow for a face of dark ice that reflected the rays of the rising sun like a polished mirror. The houses were clothed in a dress of the same description, but which, owing to its position, shone like bright steel; while the enormous icicles that were pendent from every roof caught the brilliant light, apparently throwing it from one to the other, as each glittered, on the side next the luminary, with a golden luster that melted away, on its opposite, into the dusky shades of a a background....The huge branches of the pines and hemlocks bent with the weight of the ice they supported, while their summits rose above the swelling tops of the oaks, beechess, and maples like spires of burnished silver issuing from domes of the same material. The limits of the view, in the west, were marked by an undulating outline of bright light, as if...numberless suns might momentarily be expected to heave above the horizon. In the foreground of the picture, along the shores of the lake, and near to the village, each tee seemed studded with diamonds. Even the sides of the mountains where the rays of the sun could not yet fall were decorated with a glassy coat that presented every gradation of brilliancy, from the first touch of the luminary to the dark foliage of the hemlock, glistening through its coat of crystal. In short, the whole view was one scene of quivering radiancy...

At which point all that we can do is stop and gape in awe.

Resuming, what Nabokov said about Bleak House is fully applicable to The Pioneers:

...let our spines take over. Although we read with our minds, the seat of artistic delight is between the shoulder blades. That little shiver behind is quite certainly the highest form of emotion that humanity has attained when evolving pure art and pure science. Let us worship the spine and its tingle. Let us be proud of our being vertebrates, for we are vertebrates tipped at the head with a divine flame...If we are not capable of enjoying that shiver...then let us give up the whole thing and concentrate on our comics, our videos, our books-of-the-week.

Friday, July 26, 2019

Dangerous Times

This is a dangerous time for the people of Amerika 2.0. If IllegiTrump again steals the presidential election in 2020 it will be a deadly dangerous time for Amerika.2.0’s adversaries. IllegiTrump’s approval is at an all-time high (still more disapprove than approve), it is a very plausible he will steal four more years; he knows this and is determined not to jeopardize his chances by being Trump. Specifically, he knows that the people do not want more war, do not want an additional war; he knows that his disapproval reached its apex when he and Kim Jong-un were flexing their nuclear buttons. He has neutered Kim, although not brought peace, and he has ignored Kim’s missile launches, two just yesterday, in this let’s make love, not war phase. He pulled out of the Iran agreement; Iran has responded by enriching uranium and seizing tankers in the Gulf, and Trump had authorized a strike on Iran before pulling back literally while Amerikan warplanes were en route to targets. Trump knows that any recrudescence with the DPRK and especially any war with Iran will kill his chances of stealing reelection. This is a dangerous time for Amerika 2.0 therefore for it is incentive for those two nations to goad Trump into precipitate action that would make him a dead man walking politically.

If IllegiTrump stays his hand through 2020 and steals reelection, then the next four years will be a time of maximum danger for the DPRK, Iran, Afghanistan, Venezuela, Mexico and more. IllegiTrump will be unbound, unglued, his natural state, and will strike without hesitation. Not “could,” not “will be tempted to,” will. He will attack Iran and perhaps others.
It becomes his disagreeable duty for the undersigned to note that he feels so old.

Thursday, July 25, 2019

Hey, Canada? This is all yours. Keep in touch as you figger this out, eh?



O Canada. Oy vey, Canada. I'm done. 


Wednesday, July 24, 2019

Come again?

TORONTO (AP) — The father of one of the suspects in the murders of an American woman and her Australian boyfriend as well as the death of another man said Wednesday he expects a nationwide manhunt to end in the death of his son, who is on “a suicide mission.”

On Monday he told us the two pink butterflies were “survivalists” who had been planning this survival trip for 2 1/2 years. Now it’s a suicide mission? Hey, it’s only Wednesday, you can still change your story again before the week is out. 

Schmegelsky’s father, Alan Schmegelsky, said Wednesday his son had a troubled upbringing and is in “very serious pain.” His son struggled through his parents’ acrimonious split in 2005 and his main influences became video games and YouTube, he said.

“A normal child doesn’t travel across the country killing people. A child in some very serious pain does,” Schmegelsky told Canadian Press in an interview. Alan Schmegelsky said he expects his son will die in a confrontation with police.

“He’s on a suicide mission. He wants his pain to end,” he said, breaking down into tears. “Basically, he’s going to be dead today or tomorrow. I know that. Rest in peace, Bryer. I love you. I’m so sorry all this had to happen.”

Oh my God, that is so painful to read. As a parent, it just breaks my heart. But why Mr Schmegelsky have you given us diametrically opposed stories? You are not being straight with us now or you were not being straight with us Monday. You cannot have been straight with us both days! Speaking of “straight,” Freudian slip there, why are you dancing around Bryer’s “pain”? Why is all of Canada dancing around Bryer’s pain? The child is GAY! Say it! Say it, Canada: BRYER SCHMEGELSKY AND KAM MCLEOD ARE GAY! That is the source of Bryer’s pain! It was not video games and YouTube. Now, what this has to DO with this murder spree...Is this like a gay Thelma and Louise? Has anybody from RCMP—or AP, for that matter—talked to McLeod’s parents? Maybe having talked to this fucking guy, Alan, they don’t think they can get a straight story out of them either! Pisses me off.

Even if his son is caught, his life will be over, the father said. “He wants his hurt to end. They’re going to go out in a blaze of glory. Trust me on this.”

You know what, Mr Schmegelsky, you’re losing all sympathy with me, all credibility. “Trust me on this”?! Trust YOU on this? No. I don’t trust you on shit. And let me tell you something else, Alan, you are WRONG that Bryer is going to be dead soon. This isn’t fucking America, this is Canada. The RCMP is not going to kill your son. If the boys are northeast of Gillam they’re caught between the Mounties and the deep blue. And if neither side surprises the other by their presence this will turn into a hostage situation in effect and the Mounties will wait ‘em out. They’ll send in skilled, psychologically trained negotiators and talk the boys out of suicide and they won’t get close enough to encourage a firefight. ALL OF THAT IF YOU’RE TELLING THE TRUTH NOW, ALAN, YOU FUCKING FUCK! If they’re survivalists like you said on Monday, then yeah, Bryer and Kam are probably not going to survive. 
Just like fyi? En passant, when I googled Bryer's pic for others, I got this:

Wait, what?
What are those fucking things floating around there?...Are those pink butterflies floating around? Bryer, why are you posed like a little...

Oh. Uh oh.
So that's it, huh Bryer?



You're fudge packers?

You don't think anybody could tell? My gaydar started vibrating noticeably but not powerfully when I saw this picture of you:
Pixie-ish, my Gaydar registered. Not conclusive.

But with the photo in red above and the recumbent photo my Gaydar made a foghorn sound. "CONFIRMED." And with the pink butterflies pic the Gaydar overloaded and started smoking. I think it's broke.


Okay...Okay...OKAY! So, that's settled. Now, that hat explains...What does that explain? Is this a Columbine like thing? Bryer, explain this to us. You're a mo. Bryer
                                                                                                      No
                                                                                                           prob! Who cares?

So is Kam a mo, too? Cool!

But what the fuck, Bryer? Why are you two pink butterflies flitting all over western Canada whacking people and burning cars? 
 Okay...Could you make that a little clearer? Wait, wait, don't tell me...I think, I don't want to jump to any conclusions... Let me check something,


Is that Kam McCleod and Bryer Schmegelsky? 

What is going on here? Kam McLeod, 19, and Bryer Schmegelsky, 18, are both 6’ 4” and both weigh 169 pounds. They both come Port Alberni, British Columbia. And they’re making like some modern Canadian Bonnie and Clyde leaving a trail of bodies and burned cars from west to east across northern Canada. What is the motive for this? Is this a Columbine like thing? What is the plan, Stans? They are now thought to be in the area around Gillam, pop, like 1200 or something, a town in northern Manitoba with one road in and out--The Mounties are on that road, by the way.--and their backs are to the Bering Sea or the Arctic Ocean or whatever. Schmegelsky‘s father says they’ve been survivalists for 2 1/2 years. Oh yeah? Well, they need to go back for a refresher course. Look at that map. It's like a chessboard. The Mounties know their every move since July 15 and are a step behind them. Their faces, looking just like that too, are on clear-as-day video at a convenience store in Saskatchewan. The easiest place to find someone is in a place with no people! What do you think, the police are going to mistake you for two Moose? You want to hide you drastically change your appearances and go to a big city and blend in. You don't go to frigging Gillam, Manitoba. They’re trapped. Check and mate. Bizarre case.

Things that have changed.* Part II

*I have added on more to this post so that it no longer is the original. It is also now too long so I am publishing it anew in two parts. This is the second part. I have not subtracted anything. 

Domestic violence.

As recently as the 1950's (I've seen the files) and I believe until much later, you imbibe a little alcohol booze, you get into a little upset with the missus, you give the missus a little love tap which bloodies her mouth and blackens her eye; she--women!--overreacts and runs screaming "He's going to kill me!" through the night to the neighbors who--of course!--call the gendarme; the gendarme responding to the misunderstanding advise Mister and Missus to "sleep it off" and leave. That is how domestic violence was handled back in the day.

Problem became too many gendarme got called back to the same marital residence within an hour or two and found Missus dead.

Now, and for many years, the police--wisely--have precisely the opposite policy. If they get called to an incident of domestic violence somebody will go to jail. Period there.

However, as recently as the 1980's prosecutors offices had to give sensitivity training to staff. They had to get woke. Informed that "sleep it off" did not work, never worked, only emboldened the men; educated on the psychology of the syndrome of domestic violence. Those cases were the BIGGEST pain in the ass because, what do you think happened routinely? Wife comes in to meet with prosecutor, expresses her freshly experienced fear of Husband, swears oaths that she will follow through on the prosecution, prosecutor files charges, and then Wife reneges at time of trial. "He's changed." It is so exasperating for prosecutors. I can remember telling at least one such recalcitrant victim, "DO NOT EVER CALL THE POLICE AGAIN!" and hurling my office phone through the blue haze against the wall. I was not yet woke. Others of my ilk were not yet woke. At one such office training meeting one of undersigned's colleagues responded to a dour instructor that in his considered opinion before he files charges "It should be a really good beating, mon." (From the Islands, my colleague was.)

The laws quickly tightened, as they did with cigarette smoking, underage sex and seat belts (below). Prosecutors got material witness bonds on the women. Threatened to, and in some rare cases did, throw them in jail. The cops would go out and execute subpoenas by physically bringing the women to court.


When does "courtship" become stalking?

One can contemplate one's naval on that question but let it be said that this has always been stalking:

Every breath you take
Every move you make
Every bond you break
Every step you take
I'll be watching you

Every single day
Every word you say
Every game you play
Every night you stay
I'll be watching you

Oh can't you see

You belong to me
My poor heart aches
With every step you take


Which didn't prevent Every Breath You Take Which Won't Be Many More from becoming Number ONE on the Billboard charts in 1983. Sting, or whatever your real name is, you fucking Creep, do not pass go, go directly to jail.

Seat belts. When I get in my car now if I drive feet without first buckling my safety belt and shoulder harness I feel naked. I talked to my son about it and he said he feels the same way. When did cars come equipped with seat belts? I don't know, but it seems in my sentient lifetime. Whenever it was nobody wore them at first. You were a sissy if you wore seat belts. But government data clearly demonstrated that your choices whilst driving were to be a live sissy or a dead macho man. So of course people chose dead macho. The government prodded. I still remember the public service jingle:

Buckle up for safety
Buckle up
Buckle up for safety
Dah-dah-dah-dah dah-had always buckle up
Put your mind at ease, dah-dah-dah dah dah


I remember the message of the jingle.

I don't remember when the front passenger seat became known as the "death seat" but maybe around the time that sunk in drivers, almost always male, would have their wives, gf's, etc. "buckle up." It was chivalrous concern for their safety. It was courtship. It was bondage. Oh can't you see Young Girl, you belong to me.

In the car on drives when I was a kid we would be in the back seat. I'm sorry but I never remember seat belts in the back seat back then. If there were we never wore them. There were misconceptions. The thinking went that backseat passengers didn't need seat belts because they had the cushioned backs of the front seats. Sometimes mum would get on dad, "Why don't you wear your seatbelt?"
"Yeah, dad!" (from the backseat). You know what his answer was? "I have the steering wheel." There
was a misconception that when you ran off the road at 60 mph and struck an oak tree head on that you could protect yourself by stiffening your arms againstthesteeringwheel. Oh my God.

As the highway death statistics climbed and climbed the government abandoned happy jingles for deadly serious commercials.

"Seat belts? They're, they're too confining" (middle aged man).

DUN.
(Ominous DUN as transition.)

Picture of middle aged man with arms and legs in cast.

The truth was seat belts did feel too confining. The truth also was your choice clearly was to feel good but confined with your seat belt on or bad and confined in casts in the hospital. But people were so resistant to seat belts that they would cut the mother-fuckers out of their cars!

Then the government started making not wearing seat belts a traffic violation. If I gotta pay a fine...

When did shoulder harnesses come in? Don't remember. But there was a revolt when they did. Those mother-fuckers were rigid at first. You fucking couldn't move. (I think some peoplez got trapped in burning cars and immolated because they couldn't detach themselves from the unfamiliar, confounding things. Which spurred the car companies to "innovate.") The car companies innovated: first, manually operated, non-rigid, motion-sensitive straps that would only lock...when you made a sudden movement. Quickly reach down to the passenger floorboard to grab your bottle of Bud and they locked. Then they took innovation one step too far: automatic shoulder/lap belts. You got in the fucking car and those things, zzzz, moved across your face and body like an ill wind. Which inhibited a farewell kiss from the young girl you were stalking, knocked your fucking glasses off sometimes, messed up your fucking coiffure.

Seeing another revolt (owners detached wires) the car companies innovated once more, going to the now standard manually operated, impact-sensitive, shoulder/lap combo. That has been recent. Last five years or so? All of those factors in combo worked the gestalt switch from insurrection-inspiring
to socially de rigueur. You now feel naked in the car without 'em where once you were gonna storm the Bastille with 'em.

Things changed.

Things that have changed* Part !

*I have added on more to this post so that it no longer is the original. It is also now too long so I am publishing it anew in two parts. This is the first part. I have not subtracted anything. 

How has society changed in your lifetime? Well, I don’t know we do everything by computer now.

Yes, that is one. And I resisted that until the last dog died. Now, as I type this on my iPhone, I’ve sorta gotten used to it. But it’s hard to remember all of the ways that things have changed, isn’t it? Or is it just me. My memory has always been bad. Hell, I used to forget I was married every time I went out of town! Be that as it may, I say, we are treating here not of personal failings, be they of memory or eyesight or the 7th Commandment, we're talking here about how society has changed. I am 64 years old and as I’ve told my now grown children of how things have changed in my lifetime I started to make a list. It’s not a very long list because I can’t remember all the things without specific prompting. Here are some.

Smoking. I dare say, in the lives of all but the youngest readers cigarette smoking has gone from vast societal acceptance, even glamorous ("You just put your lips together and blow." Oh!) to verboten and smokers have gone to being viewed as disgusting, ostracized drug addicts.

My mother used to blow cigarette smoke into my ears when I had an earache (I was a sickly child). From which towering disciple of Aesculapius in Barnesboro mum got this cutting edge remedy I know not BUT, I say, BUT, IT SEEMED TO HELP! :o

Only older readers, my age or more, remember the the saturation television advertising of the tobacco companies. The Marlboro Man. Every Sunday night Bonanza came on. Little Joe, Hoss, Mr Cartwright. Popular show, Bonanza. Brought to you my Marlboro cigarettes. The tobacco commercials were tailored to the show’s audience. The Marlboro Man was a handsome, serious cowboy just like the Cartwrights.

The tobacco companies TV ads were state of the art and as ubiquitous (maybe more so) than car company ads are today. The Marlboro ads were great.

DUN, DUN-DA-DUN
DUN DADUNDUNDUN
wreelroo, wreelroo, wreelROO! (music)
wreelroo wreelroo wreelroo
WiTAH! (snap of whip)

Made you want to go out and buy a pack of Marlboro’s, it did, so you too could be one of the Cartwrights.

Virginia Slims. A light butt for the gurlz. Light, lovely little jingle.

La da da da
Da da da da
Da da da
Da da da da da da da
Da da da da da da da! (Is my print singing the highlight of the post so far be honest)

Just in time for the Women’s Lib movement.

You’ve come a long way baby (baby?)
To get where you got to today! (which was running across a city street in miniskirt and high heels)
You’ve got your own cigarette now baby
You’ve come a long, long way.

Hell, Virginia Slims still sponsors women’s tennis tournaments.

The cigarette advertising was the absolute best of its time, genius.

The 1964 Surgeon General's report was the beginning of the tide turn. It hit the country as a bombshell and hit my dad as a bombshell as well. He immediately went cold turkey, spending two weeks at home in bed.

But it didn't work that transformation on everyone, not by a long shot. The television advertising was
just too effective. Government warning labels on the packs? Get out of town, man, that weren’t sheet. It took the government banning the cigarette ads on TV, which they could never counteract, that finally worked the paradigm shift.

But still. Into the 1990's I, Benjamin Harris, smoked cigarettes and one could smoke cigarettes anywhere in the late ‘80’s, early ‘90’s. I smoked in my office. I smoked in my office when smoking in my office was against office policy. (En passant, I have always been a crabby hermit. When I had to work, I had to work, and I wanted no distractions. One day, long after no smoking became policy I was barricaded in my office preparing for a trial. I had my "Do Not Disturb" sign on my locked door, my suit jacket stuffed at the bottom (I was always a disheveled, crabby hermit.) to prevent the tell-tale fumes from escaping and alerting the smoking police, when came a knock at the door. "WHO IS IT?! (exasperated shout by me). "It's the Attorney General of the United States of America" (from the other side of the door). "Ohshitohshitohshit." Glancing around to find the back exit that never existed in my 12x12 office I snuffed my butt out, put the ashtray in my drawer and walked the six feet through the blue haze to the door and opened it just as naturally and happily as I could under unfavorable conditions. Which was not natural enough for as I smiled and said "Nice to meet you" to the woman who had been my boss for 12 years and who I met on a daily basis cigarette smoke issued from my happy mouth and curled from my nostrils after the fashion of dragons. The two Secret Service agents who were behind Miss Reno had to brace themselves against the wall in silent laughter. True story.) My judge in the '80's even let me smoke in the courtroom! when the jury was not present.

What finally got me to “kick the habit” was the price of cigarettes. When they hit $2 I cashed out. (I have been addicted to nicotine gum since. Great success.)

Underage sex. Anybody remember Gary Puckett and the Union Gap? Their pop songs were very popular in the late '60's, early '70's. Very singable songs, great melodies, Gary had a good voice and clearly enunciated the lyrics. Like these:

Young girl, get out of my mind
My love for you is way out of line
Better run girl
You're much too young girl

With all the charms of a woman
You've kept the secret of your youth
You led me to believe you're old enough
To give me love

And now it hurts to know the truth
...
Beneath your perfume and your make-up
You're just a baby in disguise
And though you know that it's wrong to be
Alone with me
That come on look is in your eyes














Yeah, that's the reaction now. The gendarme would severely hurt Gary now if that truth were known but back then...Young Girl reached # 2 on the Billboard charts in 1968. I was thirteen. Used to listen to it all the time on the radio. Driving back from Pittsburgh with our parents my younger brother and I would sing along in the car. "Young girl, get out of my mind. My love for you is way out of line. Better run girl...Whoa oh oh..." Yessiree Bob, used to sing that right in the car with the 'rents. What were they thinking? Why didn't they switch stations? JEE-zus. (Apropos of this. Our parents banned my younger brother and I from watching Star Trek...(?) Because the women all wore mini-dresses (with pantyhose) and high heels. Don't want to give the boys any ideas. What? Yeah, you know, don't want to distract them from stalking young girls like normal boys by getting boners over fully grown, fully-clothed women. First of all, I didn't know what the fuck a boner was till I was like 16. Never had one! (have since become very fond of them.) I had no interest in sex at 13 or 14. My brother and I were puzzled by our parents directive even then. We protested. My brother was pissed. He frigging loved Star Trek. "Why now?" was one of our questions. The ban came well after the show's debut. Into the second or third season. It wasn't as if the show morphed from showing space travelling women in petticoats to miniskirts, the wardrobes were the same from the debut show! Wtf? All we got was "Dresses too short, boy!" (Double parenthetical: I have come to have speculative doubt about our parents explanation. Only recently. Last year maybe. Basis: Ju know the first televised kiss between a man and a woman of different races occurred on Star Trek? It did! Captain Kirk and Lt. Yohurra (sp?). Remember her? Pretty medium skin toned black woman? I swear on my parents' graves I never saw that kiss; my brother never said anything about it if he saw it, I didn't know it occurred until about a year ago. But...An interracial kiss, even a white man kissing a black woman (MUCH better than the reverse, hoooo doggie!), I could see that--more than frigging mini-dresses!--setting off mum and dad. "Race: The Final Frawnteer."))

Anybody heard Young Girl on the radio recently? I don't think you can. I don't think stations can play Young Girl anymore.

When I interviewed with the prosecutor's office in 1981 there was a standard question that they asked that was intended to go to the interviewee's judgment, to how he or she would exercise prosecutorial discretion, a key, key-key-key element in a well-ordered prosecutor's office. The question was,

Let's say an elderly grandmother walks in to file a complaint and you're assigned the case. You meet with her and she tells you that her 15 year-old granddaughter is having sex with her 19 year-old boyfriend. She provides you with a photograph of them in flagrante delicto as evidence. What is your filing decision and why?

I didn't hesitate. I answered "correctly" for 1981. "Ma'am, I am sorry but I'm not filing charges against the boyfriend, Gary Puckett is his name? Yes, ma'am I'm not filing against Gary. It doesn't matter how much evidence you have ma'am, I'm not filing the case. Good day to you."

We asked that hypothetical, I asked that hypothetical question, of prospective employees for years. Then one day, in the '90's, we senior lawyers all got a memo, "You will not ask the underage sex hypo in interviews. Have a nice day."

OUTRAGE

Oh this will not stand. Oh no. These people drenching New York City’s Finest with buckets of water, hitting one officer with an empty bucket when NYPD responded to calls during the heat wave this past weekend, those people will be dealt with. This is DISGRACEFUL! HUMILIATING! to the police officers who just TAKE IT! They do NOT RESPOND to being battered and humiliated IN PUBLIC. (Unless...were the cops okay with it? It was hot as all hell. But no, one got hit in the head with a bucket. He could not have been okay with that! The officers COMPLETE non-response raised my question.)

Tuesday, July 23, 2019

This is from the right-wing Washington Examiner:

Trump has not built a single mile of new border fence after 30 months in office


Does this matter to the Criminal Trump Voter, who endlessly chanted Build the Wall!? It matters like the devil to Ann Coulter. It mattered to my brother the klansman. But I don't think it matters to the Trump Criminals. I think Olivia Nuzzi's "They don't care!" encapsulation of the Trump Criminals holds here. 

Stupid Is as Stupid Does

IQ by State

1. Massachusetts    104.3 HRC
2. New Hampshire    104.2 HRC
3. North Dakota    103.8 Trump
4. Vermont    103.8 HRC
5. Minnesota    103.7 HRC
6. Maine    103.4 HRC
7. Montana    103.4 Trump
8. Iowa    103.2 Trump
9. Connecticut    103.1 HRC
10. Wisconsin    102.9 Trump

Six of the ten highest IQ states—and four of the top five—went for Hillary Clinton but of the four Trump states in the Smart States ten, two, North Dakota and Montana are notable for having no people. There are over 8 million more Hillary voters in the Smart States than there are Trump Criminals.


Seven of the ten bottom-IQ states were home to Trump Criminals but what was most impressive was the uninterrupted 12-state run of Trump Criminals in the bottom third. In those 17 States of Ignorance 14 went for fellow low-IQ, fellow-criminal Trump. There are approximately 24 million more Stupid Trump Criminals in those 17 states than Hillary Clinton voters.

34. Kentucky    99.4 Trump
35. Oklahoma    99.3 Trump
36. Alaska    99 Trump
37. West Virginia    98.7 Trump
38. Florida    98.4 Trump
39. South Carolina    98.4 Trump
40. Georgia    98 Trump
41. Tennessee    97.7 Trump
42. Arkansas    97.5 Trump
43. Arizona    97.4 Trump
44. Nevada    96.5 Trump
45. Alabama    95.7 Trump
46. New Mexico    95.7 HRC
47. Hawaii    95.6 HRC
48. California    95.5 HRC
49. Louisiana    95.3 Trump
50. Mississippi    94.2 Trump

Trump Universities

Why is it that Trump voters are so ignorant? There are many reasons: genetics, successive generations of incestuous inbreeding, the cuckolding of Trump men, alcohol brain damage, chronic traumatic encephalopathy from playing tackle football, a charade of education. Like this:

LSU Just Unveiled a $28-Million Football Facility. The Flood-Damaged Library Is Still ‘Decrepit.’


(Chronicle of Higher Education)

As LSU itself said:








More Trump Voter Criminals

Two US police officers in Louisiana have been fired over a Facebook post suggesting congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez should be shot.

(BBC)

Monday, July 22, 2019

Search Keywords. Now

ugliest trump supporter
2

Boy, there's a contest with a lot of contenders, huh? That female Iowa criminal. Can't remember her name...Terri Lynn Rote maybe? Something like that.

Sunday, July 21, 2019

I think there is a crime committed here.




Sevilla’s Joris Gnagnon on Liverpool’s Yasser Larouci. In a friendly! The reasons I think this is a crime are: 1) Number 22 for Sevilla first tries to break Larouci's ankles. 2) Gnagnon then immediately follows up with what can only be accurately compared to taking an axe and chopping at wood. There is no attempt to play the ball. Only intent to injure. Clear intent to injure. Number 22 and Gnagnon are like assassins going after their targets. 3) Gagnon's reaction after he completes the "hit." He just calmly looks back at the body and walks away. "Got HIM!"

I believe Joris Gnagnon committed a crime. 

Saturday, July 20, 2019

"That's one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind"

At precisely this moment fifty years ago American astronaut Neil Armstrong stepped off the ladder of the Apollo 11 lunar landing module and stepped onto the lunar surface, becoming the first human ever to do so. 
I found it.

For years I had been convinced that there was a more dramatic, heroic Champions League anthem. I associated it with Zinedine Zidane's powerful strike against Bayer Leverkusen in the 2002 CL final, which I saw live on TV. I searched for other versions of the anthem, I told my kids about it. I searched "dramatic choral music. All to no avail. Tonight, I searched again: "classical music choral dramatic". I alighted on this site. From 8:54 until just before I started this post I went down the list of recommendations. I listened to parts of Bach's Mass in B Minor, Brahms Requiem, Beethoven's Ninth "Chora," until I realized that was Joy--No, no joy. Click. Mozart's Requiem, Verdi's Requiem--the Dies irae, the Tuba Mirum; Richard Strauss' Zarathustra--I thought that might be it. I was trying music that I would have heard before by composers I had heard before because I had heard this before! I could hum the uber dramatic finale. But Zarathustra did not speak to me. I tried Mahler's Symphony No. 2, Resurrection, Dvorak's No. 9 From the New World, Radetzky's March Opus 228, Gorecki's Amen, Miserere--I was asking for miserere by this time. My neck muscles hurt. I almost gave up.--List's Faust, and then. And then. About half way down the page, this:

Oh yeah...

This also just came to mind. If you like O Fortuna...

O Fortuna? I had never heard of O Fortuna. Bitter nettles. Carl Orff, well, I had heard of him, where I had no fucking idea. Fine! Cut and pasted O Fortuna.

As
     soon
          as
               it
                    started I said out loud to myself, "This is it." And
                                                                                                   it
                                                                                                     was.

Go to about 2:31 for the finale of the Champions League anthem and compare to Orff's O Fortuna--Carmina burana starting at 1:31.

Do you hear? Are those not similar? The tempo, the dramatic voices, and the choral/instrumental flourish at the very end of each. I tell you, it was like finding that one case in the law. It was like finally solving the mystery of "Dad's Note." And on that note, mission--finally--accomplished, I am done. Good night. 
We continue our coverage of the dog shooting the man which we are not making up:

[A] black Labrador Retriever suddenly jumped into the back of the bed and right onto the gun. Somehow, the dog’s paw turned off the safety and pulled the trigger, shooting Branch in the left leg.

Somehow indeed! This smells to me of racist caninism, that’s what it smells like to ME! Vincent Bugliosi, what do you make of this?

Geraldo, the dog turned off the safety? AND pulled the trigger. Sounds like a human’s story to me. I want to know what the black Canine-American said, Geraldo. Did the police take a statement? I doubt it. It sounds to me like they just went with the human’s story. This smells, Geraldo, it stinks!

Former LSU lineman Matt Branch shot by a dog on hunting trip

(Yahoo)

Guns don’t shoot people, dogs shoot people.
ZLAtan Ibrahimovic scored in the 8th, 56th, and 70th minutes to overcome Carlos Vela's two as Los Angeles "Galaxy" beat Los Angeles Football Club 3-2 in the El Trafico derby last night in Carson.

LAFC are the new gold standard in Major League Soccer, they lead the league by a whopping nine points over their nearest rival (double entendre there)..."Galaxy," and Vela is the league's top goal scorer this season. But "Galaxy" were the old gold standard; they once had Beckham, now they have Ibra. And to the exasperation of their best and brightest--and most competitive--ownership group LAFC have never beaten "Galaxy." They hate "Galaxy." Who can forget last year? Not they. In the first ever derby match "Galaxy" were down 3-0 in the second half in their own park. They pulled to 3-2. And then Zlatan happened. Forty-eight hours after landing in LA, LA drew them level with a 40-yard strike--"Oh come on! Come on!"-- that he caught in midair on his right foot. And then, only in near-Hollywood, in stoppage time--"Are you serious!--an LA header to win the match for "Galaxy." The quaking stadium shook the TV camera.

Last night did not match last year, could not match last year--What could?--but look at the first paragraph. Again LAFC took the early lead. On a Vela PK in the 4th minute; again Zlatan happened. Now "Galaxy" had the 3-2 lead. Again it was the other side's star who scored in stoppage time...But, it was too little, too late for Vela and LAFC. And again "Galaxy" won. Carlos Vela, I knew Zlatan Ibrahimovic; Zlatan Ibrahimovic was a friend of mine. Carlos Vela, you are no Zlatan Ibrahimovic.
The Russians are here!

I detest White Russia, its people and its leadership, almost as much as I detest White America, its people and its leadership. And on the same grounds: stupidity, vulgarity, racism, jingoism. But when the Russians are here, more than half that of the Americans in the last 24, the better things get read, strangely, no matter the passage of time since post. So, in the last 24: The Chinese Cultural Revolution, June 19, 2011; The Problem of Muslim Leadership, May 28, 2013; and Stella Elizabeth Williamson, November 8, 2015. Thankee Rooski, thankee. Always glad to see you here, always glad to see you not here.