i take a back seat to noone in expressing disdain for religion but i usually keep my mouth shut out of exasperation at the delusions of fools, er i mean, out of respect for the spiritual life of my fellow man.
but sometimes i am provoked.
today the new york times reviewed a new book on mormonism, a religion i find particularly insulting because, in addition to racism, it keeps tall beautiful blonde girls in the servitude of virginity well beyond the usefual age for that condition, because it prohibits the consumption of spirits, and because it prohibits people from keeping all of their money, an odious practice called "tithing" that nets the "church" 10% of earnings. as a gun-toting, hard-drinking, chain-smoking right winger once said in explaining his hatred of the department of alcohol, tobacco and firearms, "they're against everything i love!"
my derision of mormonism goes back to a famous murder trial years ago that was provoked by the attempted sale of a, regrettably, fake letter supposedly authored by his holiness joseph smith in which joe writ that a white salamander had served as a translator between god and joe wherein god requested that joe hisself establish a new religion. the fact that joe was illiterate was the first sign that something was up with the letter.
but mormonisn don't need no white salamanders to salander it. all religions have goofy-ass beliefs, which should be the first giveaway that they are the vaporings of feverish minds under the spell of what we would call today paranoid schizophrenia but which, before the invention of lithium, was then called insight, and picking on one religion at the expense of those that, e.g. hold as accepted fact that their savior came to us via birth to a virgin????, or that these believers or those believers have been "chosen" by god for special dispensation (chosen for what? one group of chosen never even had their own country till the rest of us gave it to them) and i am equally dismissive of those, but the accumulated nonsense at the genesis of mormonism may be beyond the pale of even those others.
so in the spirit of mean-spiritedness here is the history of mormonism in the detail provided by the times.
saint joseph of sharon vt, was born, says the times, to "drifters" in 1805 and had his first attack, er vision, at 14. at 17 1/2 he had another and this was "the big one." joe said an angel, or something, named "moroni" (pronounced "moron"-ee) told him of a hidden gospel, inscribed on golden tablets that was buried in a hill called cumorah.
now, a momentous discovery has just been made right here in the pages of public occurrences. sometimes, like now, when i'm a little bored and on adderall i can spend hours making anagrams out of words for example dave barry's manipulating the letters in former presidential candidate paul tsongas' name and coming up with (with due regard given for poetic license) "gaseous plant." anyway, right here YOU are the first to know that if you play with the letters in cumorah you can get "much oar", which to you may not mean anything but to guys like me and joe is obviously a "sign." making allowance for what adderal does to my brain and for joe's illiteracy you could understand that to be "much ORE" as in GOLD ore, which would be another clue as to what was buried in that goddamn hill.
so joe got his pa's shovel and dug 'em up. they were in a language called "reformed egyptian" a still unknown dialect and of course joe couldn't read them.
BUT, lucky for us, but unlucky for all those desiring carnal knowledge of joe's tall, blonde female issue, there were two fucking magic stones called urim and thummim (anagramatically "uma thurman") which were set in silver bows. this, fellow goyim, was the BOOK OF MORMON.
so joe was all set. being a red-blooded american male of 17 1/2 he added a footnote to the virginity law that allowed for polygamy, and he set off to find a homeland for his "people." joe's new religion met with less than universal support, or as the times indelicately puts it, "almost from the beginning the book of mormon was met with scorn and disbelief." the mormons were run out of town in ohio and missouri and eventually pitched their tent in illinois but ran afoul of the locals and joe and his brother done got themselves thrown in the hoosegow. one night some of the townspeople busted and offe them.
the remainder of the tribe straggled on westward enduring unspeakable hardship and then crossed some mountain and gazed upon the fairest sight ever that human eyes beheld, a great, blue, shimmering lake. halle-fucking-lujah! this was surely the promised land. their bedraggled asses ran down the mountain as fast as they could and they dipped their canteens into the life-giving liquid and took a thirst-quenching gulp, and.......have you ever noticed how "the chosen" always seem to get a "promised land" with no fresh water?
let us pray.
-benjamin harris
PUBLIC OCCURRENCES
