From Tuesday mid-afternoon through Thursday 10:30 p.m. my son was on the road for work and drove 1,100 miles, about the distance from New York City to Topeka, Kansas. He and I are extremely close. Tuesday we spent almost three hours on the phone and yesterday almost two. We talk about anything and everything and sometimes we get on a jag on one subject. He was coming up to Stuart, Florida yesterday evening and he asked me what county Stuart was in. I googled it and went to their Wikipedia page. "Martin," I told him. "What's the population?" “17,000."
I stayed on the Stuart Wikipedia page because I was tickled by an image that I saw there. Wikipedia locale entries are like Chamber of Commerce brochures or, before the internet, like the cover of the local Yellow Pages used to be. I told my son that my younger brother and I had gone to Oklahoma City in the 1980's and, as was commonly done back then, when we got into our hotel room the first thing we did was take out the OKC Yellow Pages to see what the place was like. At that time there was an oil bust, OKC is of course located in the Oil Patch of America and prices for oil were low and places that depended on the oil industry were hurting. Oklahoma City was hurting and the cover photo of the Yellow Pages was a full-color photo of downtown with a humongous banner strung across buildings that read,
THIS BLOCK FOR SALE
I laughed out loud then, I laughed when I told my son the story. I had heard of city buildings for sale but a BLOCK?! OKC was not in A-OK shape. Oklahoma City's cover was extremely atypical. They were always promotional, like a C.o.C. cover photo. What were the Yellow Pages editors thinking?
I had the same question of the Wikipedia editor of the Stuart page, almost certainly a local, a C.o.C. type, or the mayor's office, etc., for this is the photo, captioned as it is:
I stayed on the Stuart Wikipedia page. "Notable people". There are like 40 of them! Seemed like a lot for a town of 17,000. I scanned the names to see if I recognized anybody. At first glance there was only one: "Davy Jones, musician with the Monkees." I told my son. "REALLY?!" "Wait a minute," I doubted. He’s English, I can hear his voice" and sung a few lines of "Daydream Believer" in my American accent to prove...never mind. I then clicked on the Wikipedia entry for Davy Jones. "Born in MANCHESTER, ENGLAND!" "A-ha! Toldja." What the hell is his connection to Stuart?
"On the morning of 29 February 2012, Jones went to tend his 14 horses at a farm in Indiantown, Florida. After riding one of his favourite horses around the track, he complained of chest pains and difficulty breathing and was given antacid pills. He got in his car to go home. Just after 8am a ranch-hand found him unconscious and an ambulance was called but could not revive him.[36] He was taken to Martin Memorial South Hospital in Stuart, Florida, where he was pronounced dead of a heart attack resulting from arteriosclerosis."
Wait, he died there? His ONLY connection to Stuart was that he DIED in a hospital there (undoubtedly the building in the photo, the largest employer in the city) and they claim him as one of their "NOTABLE PEOPLE"?! How desperate can you people be? I laughed and was outraged both.
I stayed on "Notable people." James Gould Cozzens, never heard of him but he won a Pulitzer Prize in 1949. DIED in Stuart. That was it, like Davy Jones, his only connection to Stuart was that he DIED there.
I started at the top, the names are listed alphabetically. "Dan Bakkedahl," never heard of him but he is alive (Maybe Stuart is expecting him?). Born Rochester, MN, went to Florida State.
"He is a 1988[citation needed] graduate of Martin County High School."
Okay! Martin County High School. But...google Martin County High School...Stuart! Okay.
"Paul Bley," never heard of him, jazz pianist, clicked on Paul Bley's Wiki page. Born Montreal, Quebec, Canada. DIED Stuart, Florida. :o Freaking out a little bit now.
"Kelly Carrington," ditto, "Playboy Playmate October 2008." DEFINITELY checked out her Wiki entry. Went to college at the University of Florida, which is 3.5 hours from Stuart IF she was born or went to high school there but there is NO MENTION of STUART on her page!
"At the time of her Playboy pictorial, she was attending the University of Florida.[5][6] The magazine issue with her as a cover model had a headline advertising a pictorial of girls of the Big Ten Conference, which doesn't include the University of Florida."
Laughed so hard I couldn't read to my son all in one breath.
I skimmed down seeing if any other names stuck out and stopped on "Judge Reinhold" wondering if he was peut-etre a legal eagle. But "Actor" it said. Asked my son if he knew who he was. "Oh! Oh! Yes, what was the name of that movie he appeared in? SHIT!" I was not going to be of any help on movies but I read the first ones listed at top, "Ruthless People, Fast Times at Ridgemont High...Beverly Hills Cop?" "No! Oh SHIT, what the fuck was the name of that movie." I felt under pressure. I clicked on "Filmography". There were a LOT. I started at the top, chronologically. I actually don't remember now which one my son said "THAT'S IT!" to, maybe Stripes.
So, bringing my son back to our purpose (it was a long phone conversation), I went back to Judge Reinhold's Wiki page and looked for any Stuart connection. Born in Wilmington, Delaware; skipped around college a lot, University of Mary Washington which I had never fucking heard of, Palm Beach State College, which ditto, and which is not even the county that Stuart is in (but it's at least close to Stuart. Maybe Stuart is claiming all people who went to Florida schools?), University of North Carolina School of the Arts from which Judge Reinhold got his BFA. I clicked on University of Mary Washington: Fredericksburg, Virginia. ???!!!👿 “Early life":
“Reinhold was born in Wilmington, Delaware, the son of Regina Celeste (née Fleming) and Edward Ernest Reinhold, a trial lawyer.[1][2] He was raised in Fredericksburg, Virginia and attended Alexis I. duPont High School until his family moved to Martin County, Florida prior to his junior year in high school.[3] He attended Mary Washington College and Palm Beach Community College.[4] His grandfather was from County Meath in Ireland.[5] Martin County, Florida! Martin County High School? I'd give that to you, Stuart. But wait, "prior to his junior year in high school"? So AT MOST Reinhold spent his last two years of HIGH SCHOOL in the COUNTY that Stuart is in, not necessarily in STUART. Google Martin County. No, I didn't think so but Stuart and Martin County are not co-extensive; Stuart is not even the most populous locale in Martin County. There have to be other high schools in Martin County. There is NO MENTION of STUART. Maybe the long arm of Stuart is claiming all of Martin County ("all")? Query to Stuart C.o.C.: Would a future Hall of Fame football player get claimed if he was in Stuart for three hours as part of the visiting team playing the "Fighting Stus?" Only if he died? Oh, okay. Does Stuart have some sister-city deal with County Meath in Ireland where Judge's grandfather was from? (Why exactly is where Judge Reinhold's grandfather was from of ANY relevance whatsoever to Judge Reinhold's life or career? (There are certain unanswerable questions in life, Pilgrim.)).
My son was now getting close to the rental car return in Miami and I had to leave to pick him up so of the nine "Notable people" I checked, who Stuart claims as founding fathers (or playmates), THREE DIED in Stuart, that was the extent of the "connection"; two had no mention of Stuart on their Wiki pages, one went to two years of HIGH SCHOOL in the same COUNTY as Stuart, and four (three of them athletes) went to all four years (apparently) of high school in Stuart and then got the hell out forever unless they return to die.
Sometimes getting on a jag can be fun. All times getting on a jag, or doing anything else, with my son is fun.
