This is Public Occurrences

Since posting the below at 11:22 this morning I have been

almost constantly at work on China so I was able to work as

hard today as I ever have.
..............................

Before going to bed, very early, last night I resolved to rise

early and go right into work. I wrote "work" on four business

cards. I put one in my cell phone so that when I opened it I

would see the note. I put one on top of the computer keyboard,

one in the bathroom sink, one in the doorjamb. I wanted to

give myself no room for getting into a non-work frame of mind.



I arose and didn't want to go into work. Not dread, just no fire.

But the alternative would be like yesterday, a lot of reading, not

the energy to write, then boredom and at five o'clock drink. I

didn't want that again.


When I turned on the computer I had an email from a person

in China who had sent me some useful information. It gave me

the fire and adderral-fired too, I worked on China for about

forty-five minutes. Then I got tired and had to rest. I read for

two hours, after taking another half of an adderral.


For twenty-two years I had a fire in me that allowed me to

work prodigiously. Then, after a trial, my recovery time was

longer than I was used to and I went to my G.P. and the result

was the Zodiac.


I have never been able to get the fire back continuously since

that trial. In my mind I had not been able to get it back because

of the treatment but the doctors told me repeatedly that it was

not the treatment. So then it was the onset of the Zodiac that I

blamed. The doctors said it couldn't be that either.


My girlfriend told me that she did not see the absence of the

fire except on those occasions when I would have to sleep all

day. Upon thinking about it she opined that the cause was my

dusky mutt brought home by my son. I completely discounted

that. Then relations with my son improved and he was happier

and I was happier and the dog went away. But I have still not

gotten the fire back completely. My girlfriend says I have but I

don't feel it.


It's probably age plus the drink plus the sleeping pills plus no

physical activity plus work plus China. I cut out drink for a

month but felt no increase in fire. A couple of weekends ago I

read all day both days and on Monday morning was too tired to

go to work. So I've tried to cut down on the reading and have

not written anything serious for awhile. Writing has always

been taxing, as taxing as work.


If I had my old fire I could work and read with no problem and

even write a little. A friend of mine is a scholar and I am

impressed and envious when I get an email that he's sent at

midnight or one a.m. I am Benjamin Harris