Have we gotten so whiz-bang, space-agey...

...that we have forgotten how to play TWO BIGS? That used to be every GM's and every coach's wet dream. The Twin Towers!

Are we so advanced in our thinking, so all broke out with genius that we forget that this is the only game ever invented that is played in the AIR? 

Have we forgotten as so much quaint Middle English knowledge concepts such as the Principle of Verticality? 

Do we completely not see anymore that there is an ADVANTAGE to having two really tall, really strong guys near that circle attached to that clear board thing TEN FEET up in the AIR?

Have we really completely thought through the notion that it would be so swell to have a whole team of really tall, really strong guys play at least 23' away from the metal circle TEN FEET up that we...DEMAND they play there?

Eric Spoelstra, this is what I would like you to do. Before you go to bed, jack off all over your face, you'll sleep better. 

Then when you wake up tomorrow after you wash your face, when you go to practice I want you to rhetorically ask Giannis Antetokounmpo if he is not Greek? Then I want you to tell him, 

"You see this? I want you to see this round thing as a TURK. I want you to fully internalize that for 84' on the court this Turk is your sworn, natural enemy who will kill you if you touch him. I firmly instruct you not to touch, hold, dribble, pass, or otherwise play with this Turk unless you are within ten feet of the metal circle thing and the TURK is passed to you by one of our GUARDS whose job it is, NOT YOURS, to bring the Turk up court, to handle the Turk smartly and deftly, to ZIP him around the court whoosh! before passing it to you or Mr. Adebayo who WILL be at nearly all times, and never elsewhere without express, written permission from me, within ten feet of the metal circle thing with the beard."

"Now Klay Thompson, where are ya fella, there you are, come up to the front, there you go. Klay, goo' buddy, lookee here, I have something for you, a MAP.

"Klay, you see that orange, pregnant-looking thing over there to the right, under the big lavender thing? That Klay, is China. They have a basketball league there, called, I am not making this up, the Chinese Basketball Association. GO THERE KLAY."

"As for you other two fine young men, Mssrs Mitchell and Wiggins, you were not real good at the game of basketball tonight. Now it hurts me as much as it will you to say this but if you don't significantly improve at the game of basketball I will rip your lungs out.

"Got it? Everybody got it? Okay, let's get to work and let's be particularly careful out there."

FT Vice 106 Ice 131

Okay, look at this:

Antetokounmpo scored 35 before fouling out...

Nice, huh? Fouls out. Weeee! Wait:

Minnesota took command with a six-minute burst that started in the late second quarter ['member, I said, Ice started to put some space between us and them?]...and... wound up as a 23-7 run, one that turned a one-point Timberwolves lead into a 78-61 edge. Edwards and Ball [guards, those two are GUARDS] combined for 17 points during that spurt, while the Heat missed six of nine shots and turned the ball over on four possessions.

Huh? 3/9, fo' turnovers!

Miami was within eight midway through the third quarter, before Minnesota went on a 45-23 run. Edwards [Guard] had 18 in that burst, while Miami missed on 11 of 12 3-point tries. 

Those 3-point things? They're usually taken by GUARDS. On our team you don't have to GUARD our GUARDS and our GUARDS can't GUARD your GUARDS. Our GUARDS can't guard your shin guards or your chin straps or your fucking JOCK STRAPS!

Lizards Beat Beer 128-116

Tyler headed (get it?) Beer with 24 on 9/21 (4/11); 3J was second with 22, 8/12 (1/3).

Elles and Gees, T-Wolves are a very good team...

The opening games that I have followed, "Knicks"-Phila., Beanz-Z, have been excellent matchups. This one was supposed to be another. Miami was actually -1.5. Phila. showed out and showed off in Peoples Square Garden. Z had a tremendous rally in an excellent game. This "Heat" team doesn't work. It's Giannis and the Freaks. It's hard to conceive of a team with Giannis and Bam Adebayo getting crushed on the boards. Well, they did. It's hard to conceive a team winning when the opponent lets Giannis do all the heavy lifting knowing, KNOWING, that the rest of the team can't score. When the "Heat" space the floor with this lineup, they take either Giannis or Bam away from the rim. When no Heat guard can guard guards (Anthony Edwards is a superb player, he's not going to average 45 ppg though) do you put one or both of your bigs on the perimeter. Then you're going to eat glass.

Chris Finch, I think, is Ice's coach. Finch or whomever had the "Heat" all figured out long before gametime. When Finch saw Eric Spoelstra starting Klay Thompson, he must have giggled. Spo got shown up, Klay, already known to the Association as a has-been, got thoroughly exposed as maybe, maybe a good candidate to play in the Chinese league. Spo completely misjudged Klay, had completely the wrong gameplan. We're not going to be able to play some fucking wheel offense. We're not going to be able to play any offense if we have NO SHOT from beyond 10'. We're not going to win many games--John Hollinger, this is a clap out to you (but we were 43-39 last season, punkass). When you lose 131-106 on opening night, at home, when you're thought to be evenly matched, even the favorite, that is beginning a new era as poorly as you can. 

This. "Heat". Team. Does. Not. Work.

Of the Viceroys who have played, and there have been 8 of them, Klay played least, 15', and he started

OK now that the game's been long out of reach let's pad everybody's stats. Klay you have d.d.s, 10. Davion has 11, Andrew has 11. One hand clapping.

We're shooting (there's still 2' left) as well as Ice! 48-48. The diff? What was a -4 on the glass at HT is now, with 1:50 left, a -18! Just crushed us on the glass, made us eat ground glass to go with the Ice.

Giannis has 35

Bam's in double figures, just those double figures are 1 and 5 not 8 and 3

Nobody has been guarding Ant, evidently. 45 points.

Wail, wail, wail. 93-123, 4:28 left, huh? FINE

blowout

OH MY, I DIDN'T SEE THIS TILL NOW

"Heat" foul shots: 8. GIANNIS HAS ALL 8! 

Ice is content to have Giannis go off. They're hardly guarding anybody else! 

That is one of the wildest stats I have ever seen.

We are actually shooting better than Minn, 56%-52%

They have taken a slight rebounding edge, 50-54.

At HT Giannis (21) is still the only Viceroy in double figures. Next high is still 7, Andrew and Bobby Portis. Ice has three Icicles in d.d.s, Ant 21, Balls 16, Jaden McDaniels 13.

In the last ~5 of 2Q, Ice started pulling away. Giannis came back in at 1:56, Vice -7. HT though 59-69

Giannis back in

56-63. Without Giannis in, Ice has been running. Klay just fouled some Icicle shooting and-1

Klay back in. Ice scored 12" later.

Bam (4 pts 13') is behind schedule on his 83

54-55, 3:38 2Q, Ice Full Chill

Vice 50 Nice 49, 4:54 2Q

Did Klay get hurt? He had 6 pts in 7 mins and hasn't been heard from since. 47-47 now.

"Heat" 45 Ice 47, 6:18, "Heat" mandatory FTO

There's something to the adage, "make somebody other than their big hog beat you." 

Ice is doing the reverse evidently as Giannis has 21 and the rest of Miami "Dreck" has 24 altogether.

BALLS, Pelle got a T fouling Lamelo

Pelle is a Swedish Udonis.

Giannis (16) ties it, 34. Our next high scorer is Klay with SIX.

HT in DC Lizards 51-56 Beer. 3J 11, Tyler 14, Ke'el (off bench) 6 and 3 boards. 👏🫶

Vice got hot! 32-34, end 1Q. Shooting %: Vice 48 Ice 54

They're playing Joan Beringer. DEI! DEI! DEI!

Lizards 41-43 Beer; 3J and Tyler started for Beer. Both have 11.

Vice 24 Nice 32, 3:02 1Q, Wolves in Dire Straits, FTO

Down to 73%, ha-ha chump

Or 79. Same diff.