It becomes our disagreeable duty to report that there is deep distress in the Big Easy over the immediate, and we can hope, future existence of the NBA franchise there resident denominated the "Pelicans". Historians of catastrophe know too well the history of professional basketball in those precincts. The aforementioned franchise is at present weighted down (literally) by one Zion Williamson aka the Fat Thot Fucker, a human dirigible of 285 pounds in the ideal state of things, believed to get to 295 pounds from lack of will to bypass local Dunkin' Donuts, and beset by a multitude of injuries from carrying around such extravagant blubber. Last week Williamson, with rhe judgment and respect for his org. and his profession that we have become accustomed to expect from him, shared a video of his blobness shirtless getting a tattoo, screenshots of which we are forced to share in the interest of "completing the record".

We make bold to project that the mind of God contemplated Zion in these photo snaps as a garbage man or an employee in the municipal Department of Solid Waste, noble vocations to be sure, but not a professional basketball player running up and down hardwood surfaces 40' a night for 70-80 nights to earn his contractual salary of $39,000,000 per annum. And that is the source of the distress in the org. representing the city that should not exist and what to do about same. There is some what may turn out to be dissociative thought of "cutting", not the excess largesse, but the personage of Williamson from the payroll of the team's owners and the roster of said team. although perhaps (or perhaps not) a more reasonable outcome would be to "trade" the personage, baggage, handlebars and the works to some other deranged franchise in return for professional ballers who actually play in the games for which they get paid so extravagantly. It is a knotty, or at least a deep set conundrum that has raised anxiety and may well cost decision-makers their careers, and perhaps (but not also) the already besmirched, city that should not exist their professional basketball team. 

We extend our thoughts and prayers, and free fast food to all concerned.