Could We Be a New Yorker Reader: Parte Tres

The New Yorker Horror
Parte Tres. "The Ads.
You're Looking at the
Ads."

How could we recognize a New Yorker reader? More importantly how could we look like one our ownselves and subtly signal our status to our brethren and sistren?

Cleverly, we thought to ourselves, "Look at the Ads." Isn't that how this all started, with The Undersigned's mention of the cold fusion yo-yo ad at the Free Clinic?

Yes it was.

Suddenly we realized that right here, in this library, lurking in that aisle over there or seated at that desk here, might be a New Yorker reader, invisible to our untrained eye because she was not playing with her cold fusion yo-yo at the moment. But if we knew other things they bought, the kinds of clothes they wore, we might be able to spot them.

We saw an ad in the October 17, 2005 issue,

"Love your pet in style! Poochstyle."

Uhh...

In the November 7 issue there was,

"Self-Indulgence-You Deserve it. Treat yourself to the luxury of a silk smoking jacket for the holidays!"

Now we were cookin' with gas! A silk smoking jacket!

In the same issue,

"For the Sportsman who has everything. Except boat shoes with [18 karat] gold eyelets and deerskin linings."

We had never thought of something like this before BECAUSE WE WERE NOT NEW YORKER READERS BEFORE!

An ad for a "European Beret" was in the October 17 issue and one for a "Greek Fisherman's Cap" in the November 14 issue.

We began to See: Going back to Eustace, Hats--but only certain kinds--distinguished New Yorker readers from the unsophisticated and unintelligent.

Our instinct was confirmed by two other ads from 21 November, "The Cashmere Watch Cap," and "The Traditional Night Cap." There was even an article in the October 17 issue titled "Old Hat." (And they didn't think we'd get that hint :)

We saw "Beau Ties Ltd of Vermont. Handcrafted silk bow ties..."

Beau/bow: tres clever, neau?

Then, "Mr Happy Crack says...'A dry crack is a happy crack' T-shirts, boxers ballcaps, thongs, onesies"

We felt more like a typical New Yorker reader when we saw this ad from The Happy Crack Company, which we were familiar with.

We now had a plethora of headwear ideas, we knew what kind of shoes to look for, we had our silk smoking jacket, our beau ties, even our Happy Crack "onesies." We looked to complete our ensemble and on page 95 of the November 1 issue we saw,

"Finally, horizontal corduroy pants."

We thought for a moment that maybe New Yorker readers had been so difficult to spot before because they had been staying indoors until this invention but then we thought that was stupid.

We had to admit that a gent or gent-ette dressed in a Watch cap, smoking jacket, boat shoes with gold eyelets and deerskin linings and playing with a cold fusion yo-yo would stand out even more than Tyrone in his gangster suit, spats and black shirt.

We now felt adequately prepared to spot a New Yorker reader and thought a library as good a place as any to find one, probably several, so we got up from the periodicals circulation desk and walked around.

Not a pair of horizontal corduroys in sight. Or any Watch caps or Nightcaps.

Finally on the third floor we saw One. It was a she One, a beautiful she One, and she was wearing a European beret!

She was seated in one of those double carrels that enabled us to sit directly opposite her. Giddily we approached the carrel. We noticed that she was wearing a fashionably short skirt, which we thought the very image of New Yorker sophistication. We sat down opposite her.

After a few heady moments we realized that we couldn't see if she was wearing boat shoes with gold eyelets and deerskin linings so we bent way down and looked under our desk because she had uncrossed her legs and was resting her knees on her desk.

We promised the security guard that we would not do that again and were permitted to stay in the library. We went back to our magazines at the periodical desk.

-Benjamin Harris