“The same.” Andrew replied.
I hesitated at the ambiguity. I thought my sequential query would elicit another gay report as it had Carmen and Lucas. Same as what?
“What is she up to?” was the way I chose to proceed.
“Oh, going to school, senior, getting ready to go to college for art.”
“You guys are so creative, so inventive, your whole family. Where’s she going to go?”
“Far away from me, maybe Pasadena like Lucas. New York…” He trailed off. Far away from me could be interpreted two ways. I chose one.
“Oh, Drew. She’ll come back” which was not what I wanted to say and amended run-on fashion.
“She will visit, you and Gayle will visit, she’s a plane ticket away; you’re an empty nester!” No, I regretted that last and decided to append “She’ll always be your baby girl.”
There was a moment’s pause where I thought there should be an affirming “Yeah, you’re right.”
“I thought she was!” he said with an uncomfortable laugh.
“I thought, unlike with Carmen and Lucas who I know we made mistakes with, I thought I had been the perfect dad to Olivia and thought she was the perfect girl. I still think she’s the perfect girl” he quickly added. “But I ruined her childhood. She’s moving away from me.”
How-the-fuck-did-I-get-myself-into-this? Thought bubble to self. How-do-I-get-myself-out-of-it?
“You ruined her childhood? Andrew, put down your crack pipe, you didn’t ‘ruin’ anybody’s childhood. I don’t want to hear it, what are you talking about?” WHY-did-I-say-that-last? Because-although I don't-want-to-hear-it he-wants-to-tell-me.
“She said it herself. Told me right to my face. Was specific as to instances and they were true. Said her memory of me growing up was that I was always ‘drunk and angry’ that anything could set me off and she didn’t know when and was an anxious wreck around me.”
All said with a hearty, uncomfortable laugh.
“Andrew, those things are not true…”
He cut me off.
“…I was not drunk AND angry--at the same time--around her but I drank and I was angry at separate
times.” Andrew-always-had-a-bottle-of-beer-in-his-hand-never-saw-him-drunk-though-had-been-arrested-for-a-violent-
misdemeanor-was-taken-to-jail-he-and-Gayle-had-separated-imagine-there-were-fights. Lightening thoughts.
“She’s seeing a shrink for depression and anxiety and has been prescribed Zoloft.”
I felt a ringing sensation in my brain. I could not speak.
“She said, ‘Dad, do you remember that father-daughter dance my freshman year? I felt terrible but the next year when you asked me about it I told you they weren’t having one because I had so much anxiety about being around you.’ And that was true, I had asked her about it and she had told me they weren’t having it that year.”
I felt nauseous.
“I had no idea, Ben.”
He gave out a loud sob, we were sitting at the bar in a restaurant, I glanced to see if people noticed, a few heads were turned but it was a loud restaurant. He then wept silently but heavily, his shoulders heaving, but no one was looking. I put my arm on his shoulder then thinking that would attract attention, my hand on his back, then thinking even that would attract attention if it went on, gave him a squeeze and a pat and withdrew my hand. After a few seconds he stopped. He took off his glasses and rubbed his red eyes with a paper napkin. One of the waitresses noticed. He put his glasses back on.
The pathos was 3-G’s heavy. I had to lighten it. So-other-than-that-Mrs Lincoln-how-was-the-theater?
“So, other than that how's 'Lia doing?” smiling. That worked. He immediately laughed a hearty, tickled laugh.
Our food came. It was perfect timing. I needed time to think. What was my role here? How was I to navigate between the Scylla of Olivia’s feelings and the Charybdis of Andrew’s? I decided I needed more information and took a bite of food.
“Andrew, let me ask you something, I thought you gave up drinking.”
“I DID! I calculated it one it time. It has been 3,315 days, NINE YEARS! since I gave up drinking and in those nine years I have had a drink on SIX occasions. But five of them were around Olivia.”
I could feel myself getting pissed.
"Then where did she get this from?" Legitimately info-seeking, not a question in advocacy. “Did you get drunk around her?”
“NEVER! Not on those five occasions OR AT ANY OTHER TIME! When I was drinking every night I was drinking around her BUT NEVER GOT DRUNK AND NEVER LOST MY TEMPER AT HER! Around her, yes, 3-4 times.”
I leaned back in disgust forgetting I was on a bar stool and almost fell to the floor. He did not see that the lean back was in disgust and I was glad because I don’t think disgust, although disgusted I felt, was the appropriate reaction to show, too “argumentative,” “Judge, I move to dismiss the case for lack of evidence.” Olivia’s reaction WAS reality based, her depression and anxiety WERE real, she was being prescribed a heavy-duty anti-depressant, I could not show disgust. I could not take Andrew's side.
“Have you two talked it out? Yes, right? You told me she told you all of this."
"Oh, yes. I confessed. Once she gave me a statement of particulars it was all true. She said she had already forgiven me but she doesn't want to be around me. That's why she is moving away."
I thought I was going to vomit. I couldn't look at my plate.
"Oh my God, Drew, I am so sorry," but catching myself: "You cannot undo what you did. You did not know any of this was effecting ‘Lia as it was?”
“No, I did not.”
“You did not know?” I wanted to make sure. How could he not know?
“No. I thought we had a perfect relationship. We had so much fun.”
“Did anybody else say anything to you? Like Gayle? I know I never saw any of this.”
“Not about my drinking. The losses of temper, of course. I didn’t need to be told that those caused her anxiety.”
“Did you ever direct your anger toward her?”
“NO! That’s the thing. When she first told me all this I pushed back against it because I had never raised a hand or my voice at that child, never even gave her a time out!”
“I didn’t think you had. But of course she is still going to see it.”
I picked at my food.
“Gayle and I DID argue and scream at each other, that was around the kids and of course, we had a very difficult time with Carmen and especially Lucas and Olivia saw all of that. She told me she felt she had to be perfect to make up for Gayle and Carmen and Luca, that she didn’t have the luxury to
be a child, to be less than perfect.”
“I see,” and threw back my head. It all made sense now and I felt I was master of the case and where it stood was Andrew had ruined Olivia’s childhood. I had to accept that as fact but had a difficult time
accepting it as fact. I had to force myself to accept that as fact. Andrew had done it unintentionally and had very few indications of it, none that he had “ruined her childhood" but he had. What do I say
now? I thought to restate the case.
“You accept that you did ruin Olivia’s childhood.” Oh-god-this-was-a-mistake. “She has forgiven you but it sounds like her forgiveness is more an intellectualizing. She is still moving away from you.”
I aborted mission. He had ruined his child’s childhood, that didn’t need to be restated, he already knew that, and now the rest of his life was going to be a living hell. One cannot undo the past—nor the future consequences of one’s past conduct.
"This is like putting lipstick on a pig but she is perfect, she turned out perfect, you get a sort of lipstick-on-a pig-credit for having raised a perfect daughter. Despite you, I understand, but still...” Did-I-have-to-add-that?-Did-I-HAVE-to-add-that.
I had to re-abort.
“Andrew, how else can you look at this? What can you do now? You don’t love her any less, you’ll continue to love her and you’ll support her in therapy. She has forgiven you and that means she still loves you.” Wince-forgiveness-does-not-mean-love.-You-are-a-weak-sniveling-coward.-What-are-you-going-to-say-next,-"Leave-it-in-God's-hands?"
"Kids are like the pottery barn rule," I said to partially undo my cowardice, "You break it, you own it."
"You're right about that!" Andrew replied.
I left it at that and called for the check. I had hardly touched my food.
On the way home I thought of what I would have said if I had been true to my feelings.
“Andrew, what else are you going to do? How else can you look at this? Seriously, you are totally fucked. You may have lost her. You know it, I know it. You can do one of two things: Kill yourself. Or take it, feel it, every day of your life feel it, never forget it, taking responsibility and affirming the legitimacy Olivia’s feelings is true love. Don’t try to paper it over, don’t try to forget it, those are denials that will hurt her more. Love her, and hope she gets the help she needs…I don’t know what I would do but I am recommending to you the latter.”
