There’s this guy, “Antonio” “Brown.” He plays professional tackle football. Through last year he played it all of his professional life with the Pittsburgh “Steelers”. Then things got weird. He started criticizing his quarterback, his head coach, he skipped practices, he demanded more money, and in March the “Steelers” had had enough and shipped him to Oakland, where weirdness begins and ends, for third and fifth round draft picks. The trade was immediately tagged a heist for the “Raiders” and a humiliating capitulation for the “Steelers”.

Brown arrived at his first practice in Oakland by hot air balloon. He then left practice and did not return. The “Raiders” were “disappointed.” Brown did not return to practice because his feet had gotten badly burned with frostbite during “cryotherapy.” What he needed cryotherapy for I was not interested enough to learn. Now today, Brown is refusing to show up unless he is permitted by the league to wear the helmet he wore in his first ten seasons. He had a two hour phone convo with National Concussion League officials trying to convince them that he be permitted to wear the old style helmet, which the league has obsoleted on accounta too many players got concussions and which the manufacturer has discontinued. Brown failed in his two hour talk with the league. So, Brown is threatening to retire from the game.

There is something wrong in the head with “Antonio” “Brown.” Like he played too many games without any helmet wrong. Like he’s three bricks shy of a load wrong; like the elevator doesn’t go all the way to the top; like he is not rowing with both oars in the water. Like Pittsburgh got the steal of the century in getting two mid-round picks for a future Hall of Famer who at present is and in the future will be “damaged goods” beyond repair.