The talk this early morning (midnight-2:37 am) came out of the blue. I had started to prepare for it. I wrote out different approaches, different lead-ins, and the approach I thought best--which I never got to use fully--was to appeal to his and her reasonableness and intelligence. 

I decided on something like, 

"Guys, everybody is talking about you, including both of you, and everybody's telling me, a fucking almost-71-year old who has violated like 7 of the 10 Commandments and is an eccentric loner with a cat. 

"How do you think this looks to outsiders. Or even to an insider like me? This is not a good look. You're both highly intelligent, loving, reasonable professionals. Yet, you've got everyone, including yourselves and except me, in a fucking tizzy. 

"You're quarrelling wife with your husband over a level of booze consumption that has not caused job, marital or legal problems, Why? On principal? Because Dr. Google says Thou Shalt Not drink more than 3-4 beers daily without risking future problems? 

"Husband, you're reasonable, you've read the same Dr. Google as I have: there is no expert in the country who would say, "You drink a six-pack a night? No problem!" You know that that's too much, way too much, even if it doesn't cause current problems with law, work or family.

"And husband, you are maximally stressed when her family comes to visit? 

Guys, these are not existential problems. A little reasonableness, a little compromise, and these fucking things go away. Husband, I'm no expert on substance abuse, your wife's not, your mother is not. All that i am suggesting to you is that you go see an expert, tell him or her the truth, that you drink a six-pack of beer a night every night, you know that that is not what the doctor ordered, you know it's not healthy, tell him or her this and tell him your goals: you want to cut down on your M-F etoh consumption, which you use to shut down and sleep and would (s)he think a sleeping pill as substitute for booze would be reasonable? If he agrees and gives you the sleeping pill, then you can't drink and take the sleeping pill, tell the doc that you will not drink M-F. If he tells you to become a member of the AA Cult, you can disregard. Noboby can make a 30-something man do much and I don't think he's going to recommend AA or fucking rehab. Did you ask your wife if she thought you should go into rehab? "Yes." "She said absolutely not." "Great, that is the identical thing she told me." So my suggestion is, and it is only that, I am no expert and nobody can make a 30-something man do much, just make an appointment to talk to a fucking expert; you are free to follow or not follow the doc's advice; but you know a six-pack a night is too much. Just going to get input will cut off this hysterical, tissyfied crabbing in your ear and mine, and who knows, maybe improve your future health. If you take his advice and eliminate your M-F drinking, then that shuts everybody up! I said that to the husband this morning too and he used it on the wife today. "What did your wife say to that?" "It will shut me up". "Wonderful! Is that too much to ask, to go see an expert?" "No." "Okay."

"Now you wife: nobody is asking you to cut contact with your family, to prohibit them from visiting you, or spending time with them when they're here. Everybody in your husband's family, including me, loves them and loves to see them. So all that I am suggesting to you--and you can disregard it, as your husband can disregard a doc's advice--is to tell your family, your friends, that they can come anytime they want, and stay for however long that they want, but to be reasonable, to respect that this is your and your husband's home and that when he comes home from work he cannot be host as a second job. Do you think it is a reasonable suggestion that you tell them to come anytime, but to stay in a hotel for most of the time, to not turn your and your husband's full-time, first home, an 800 sq ft condo unit, into a vacation home for the Brady Bunch? "Yes." "I knew it would because you're an intelligent and reasonable person  A little good faith, a little compromise on both your parts and these two fucking problems disappear. Poof!"

That's reasonable. We'll see if it holds.