An Open Letter to the Countries of the World

                                                              

Dear Countries,

How are you I am fine.

Have you ever taken a good look at your flags?  Put aside familiarity and national pride, look at them objectively as artistic symbols of who you are.  Do that, and you will see that your flags suck.

Flags are the symbols of your nations and since, collectively, you are mankind you are revealing mankind to be an ugly, unimaginative species with florid, psychotic ideation. The flag at top is not the product of my own florid, psychotic ideation. That's a real flag, of the Isle of Man.

Now, I'll start off with mine:



Most Americans get a tear in their eye seeing the "stars and stripes."  The last time I got a tear in my eye was when the rewind button on my VCR went on the blink during the flashing scene in Basic Instinct but I do love my flag. Viewed objectively though, it's...busy. Too busy.  If someone walked into court dressed in this many stripes and stars the judge would order a psych eval. Plus we have an unsingable national anthem. "And the rockets red glare:"  Only a eunuch can sing that part.

So having established my objectivity let's move on. Below we have, what, a TV test pattern?  No.  It's the flag of Macedonia.

                                                          


Let's do these by group.  Group one will be called UNIMAGINATIVE.

Okay,okay,okay. You like red, white, and blue. Fine. I like them too. They are what are called primary colors. The kind kindergarten children use.  Most people, when they grow up to be countries, branch out a little bit.  Below is what is called a "spectrum,"  ALL the colors, NOT just rouge, blanc, and bleu.  Aren't some of them nice, too?  You ever think of using any of them?

SPECTRUM

                                  BORING FLAGS

Wait, wait, don't tell me.  It's the cross!  Yes, it is, it's the cross in different colors. :)  Oh, that's so nice. Sideways too, huh?   Left to right we have Finland, Sweden, Norway, Switzerland, and Denmark. Not that we could ever tell you people apart anyway.  Let me guess, and you're all blonde, right?


Group Two is called CONFUSING.

Confusing can have disastrous consequences. At left is the flag of Italy.  Next to it is Bulgaria. Now,... if you think...that Italians and Bulgarians...can easily distinguish between their two flags,...you're NUTS!  If these two great peoples ever got into a war, they'd be shooting their own great peoples.

Same with Iran and Tajikistan...but that would be okay.



Guess whose flag this is?

Give up?

GREENLAND.  Green-friggin-land!  Where's the green?  What does this design mean?  Greenland, you're done, get outta here. You're no longer a country.  Enough.


Group Three. Some flags are easily RECOGNIZABLE.




The Star of David=Jews=Israel. Easy. Simple, clean, design. Nice.



Red. Blood Red. China. Perfect.




Amtrak.  No! Oh my God, it's South Africa. My mistake.



"Space:  The Final Frawn-tier. These are the voyages of the nation St. Lucia."  





Group four is PUZZLING.

     



There's some weird sideways triangle thing going on here. Maybe everybody who went to flag design school had to pass "sideways triangles" class or something.

 

On the left, Qatar. On the right, Bahrain. Why I don't know.


Finally, group five is BIZARRE and is led off with the flag of the Isle of No-Man on the header.




"Meet George Jetson. dah-dah-dah dah-dah-dah-dah. Jane his wife. dah-dah-dah, dad-dah-dah-dah. Brazil his country."





Brazil's illegitimate stepchild.

I forget whose flag this is. Could it be anymore busy? Couldn't you guys fit in one or two more symbols there?



British Indian Ocean Territories. It looks British alright, it looks like what a Limey sailor would see when he's had a few too many pints.

What is this, mold?  No, Libya. 

This is vaguely reminiscent of a hockey team uniform. Maybe it's the combination of a Swedish-like blue and yellow and the stars. I don't know.



This is vaguely reminiscent of the vomit of the NBC peacock.



Oh my God.

So countries, there you have it. It's back to the drawing board time, literally.  I am never one however to make a criticism without proposing a solution and in a future post I will give you some ideas for the perfect symbols for who you are. Because clearly you are in need of ideas.