I do not feel like lying today, maybe another day, bad luck for you, and I would be lying if I wrote that the photographs of Ernest Hemingway in dresses when little did not disturb me. They do disturb me. That is a truthful sentence. Revisiting a couple of my posts from 2014 increased the disturbance.
I would be lying if I said that it didn't take me all of these hours since that post to get away from the disturbance to my thought. It did. If the dresses had been a one off in Hemingway's life they wouldn't have disturbed me at all. But they were not a one off. They were merely the first data points in a life connected together with other similar data points. So what?, I asked myself for a couple of hours this afternoon. Do you find Papa's writing any less crystalline? No, I don't. Is Papa responsible for how his mother dressed him when young? Of course not. Did he ever lie to you in his writing? No. Then, what are you, a homophobic mother fucker? I had to examine myself on that one. I have never been. But deep down, Barnesboro boy, are you just like them?! I asked myself that. I am not.
As I was writing that post I thought of, ugh, forgive me, the photo taken by Miami police officers when Gregory was arrested. Gloria. Gregory-Gloria. His son. His son had a sex change operation. Bruce-Caitlyn Jenner disturbs me. But here you see, in Papa, in his son, there is the same sexual transference as in The Garden of Eden, the same androgyny as in the dresses, as in other of Hemingway's writing. There seems to have been a genetic predisposition. Papa did not hide it! There were plenty of markers in his other writing! A genetic predisposition to? Yes, androgyny. But what I saw in Gregory-Gloria smiling as he bared her breast for the cops was madness. A genetic predisposition then to madness. How is that to be doubted? It is not. We know that mental illness, like suicide, runs in families. So it does not matter that Papa did not hide his madness because it is madness. Madness is disturbing!
It is dark. That is the thought I kept having between that post and this. This Hemingway madness is just dark. When we are "in the dark" about something it means we don't have the capacity to see and since we are a very ocular species we do not comprehend what we cannot see. I admit to not having the mental wattage nor the acuity in my mind's eye to penetrate this dark madness. It is a darkness that makes me literally queasy in my stomach. I don't want to go any deeper into that darkness. I am afraid of that darkness. Fear: that is what a phobia is. Therefore, I am phobic about whatever the contours of this madness in the dark are.
Those are all truthful sentences up there.
I would be lying if I said that it didn't take me all of these hours since that post to get away from the disturbance to my thought. It did. If the dresses had been a one off in Hemingway's life they wouldn't have disturbed me at all. But they were not a one off. They were merely the first data points in a life connected together with other similar data points. So what?, I asked myself for a couple of hours this afternoon. Do you find Papa's writing any less crystalline? No, I don't. Is Papa responsible for how his mother dressed him when young? Of course not. Did he ever lie to you in his writing? No. Then, what are you, a homophobic mother fucker? I had to examine myself on that one. I have never been. But deep down, Barnesboro boy, are you just like them?! I asked myself that. I am not.
As I was writing that post I thought of, ugh, forgive me, the photo taken by Miami police officers when Gregory was arrested. Gloria. Gregory-Gloria. His son. His son had a sex change operation. Bruce-Caitlyn Jenner disturbs me. But here you see, in Papa, in his son, there is the same sexual transference as in The Garden of Eden, the same androgyny as in the dresses, as in other of Hemingway's writing. There seems to have been a genetic predisposition. Papa did not hide it! There were plenty of markers in his other writing! A genetic predisposition to? Yes, androgyny. But what I saw in Gregory-Gloria smiling as he bared her breast for the cops was madness. A genetic predisposition then to madness. How is that to be doubted? It is not. We know that mental illness, like suicide, runs in families. So it does not matter that Papa did not hide his madness because it is madness. Madness is disturbing!
It is dark. That is the thought I kept having between that post and this. This Hemingway madness is just dark. When we are "in the dark" about something it means we don't have the capacity to see and since we are a very ocular species we do not comprehend what we cannot see. I admit to not having the mental wattage nor the acuity in my mind's eye to penetrate this dark madness. It is a darkness that makes me literally queasy in my stomach. I don't want to go any deeper into that darkness. I am afraid of that darkness. Fear: that is what a phobia is. Therefore, I am phobic about whatever the contours of this madness in the dark are.
Those are all truthful sentences up there.
