Newtie and the Blowhards

America is unique in the world in how it chooses its chief executive.  We spend a year doing it.  There are elections, plural, “primary” elections, as they are called, in different states. The purpose of those primary elections is…to choose delegates to the national conventions of the two major political parties, the Republicans and the Democrats. It is those delegates who actually select the nominees of the two parties Oh my god, this sounds stupid. Then those two nominees run in the “general” election in November and voila we have a president.  Actually, no voila.  The delegates from each of the fifty states then choose “electors” Does anybody have any cyanide? to a body called the “electoral college.” The electoral college then meets, or maybe they can do it by email or something now, I don’t know, andtheyvoteandvoila.  Actually…the new president is not sworn in until sometime in January. I don’t know why.  I would like to stick a knife in my veins.

Now, as to the substance of this post. The first actual, like, votes, in this year’s presidential selection process are still a couple of weeks away from being cast Ignore anything you here about “caucuses,” there is no such word in the English language but candidates have already been campaigning and spending tons of money for months.

The point of this post is that the Republicans are acting like Democrats this year. Let me explain.  The Republicans, being the smaller of the two parties, are more likely to focus in on a very few candidates in the primary season.  They do that so that they can survive and oppose the Democrat united. The Democrats are more likely to have a half-dozen or more candidates, some of them even qualified to be president.  This year though, no Democrat is opposing President Obama in the primaries, which might sound self-evident but is not because other Democratic presidents have had primary challengers. However, this year the Republicans started this interesting process with nine “serious” candidates.  It is this field of nine candidates that I impudently refer to as “Newtie and the Blowhards,” which I know has been a long time ago but which is the title of this here post. Actually, the field is down to seven now but I’m sticking with the title.

Uncharacteristically, the Republicans seem to have something like attention-deficit disorder this year. Former Massachusetts governor Mitt (that’s his real name (I think)) Romney has been at or near the top of public opinion polls of Republicans for much of the year but Republicans have not been able to commit to Romney.  Part of the reason for that is that he is a disciple of Joseph Smith, that is, he is a Mormon.  A higher percentage of Republicans are Christians, or at least politically active Christians, than are Democrats and many Republican Christians look askance at disciples of a religion founded by a schizophrenic grandiose type who received his religious “vision” from an angel named “Moroni” and who practiced and preached polygamy and who was chased half-way across the continent before he was cornered in a jail and offed. Some Republicans look askance at that.  Others don’t look so askance at that but do look askance at the fact that Romney was governor of Massachusetts which to many Republicans is a ninth circle of hell.  So Republicans have not been able to unite behind Romney.

He of the nine who made it eight was the governor of Minnesota, Tom Pawlenty.  I forget what his problem was. Not enough support.

He of the nine who made it seven was “Herman Cain” who started a pizza business, experience in running a business being next to godliness for many Republicans.  Mr. Cain was the subject of a mini-boomlet among Republicans earlier this year before he was convincingly accused of having too many wives (of a fashion).

Ron Paul is: (1) a congressman from Texas (Republicans like Texas. A lot), (2) a physician, (3) a former candidate for president, (4) one of the founders of the Tea Party movement, (5) someone with two first names, (6) someone who was born in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania (7) 106 years old. The last three are disqualifying.

Rick Santorum is: (1) a former congressman from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, (2) a former senator from Pennsylvania, (3) a former senator from Pennsylvania who lost to a Democrat by eighteen points. The last three are disqualifying.

Rick Perry is the governor of Texas (see Ron Paul, above). He also has two first names.  Rick Perry has attention-deficit disorder. During a debate, he was…debating with Ron Paul about how many federal agencies each would cut. Paul (Ron?) wanted five; Perry (Rick?) wanted three, but couldn’t remember “all” three.

Jon Huntsman is a former governor of Utah. He is Mormon. He graduated from the University of Pennsylvania. He was President Obama’s Ambassador to China.  Huntsman has a better chance of getting votes in China than among Republicans.

Michelle Bachmann is a congresswoman from Minnesota.  She knocked her Minnesota twin, Tom Pawlenty, out of the race.  That’s been the extent of her impact so far.

Newt Hold my hand, want you to hold my hand; hold my hand, want you to hold my hand; hold my hand, want you to hold my ha-hand. I’m gonna love you the best that, the best that I ca-a-a-a-an Gingrich is: (1) smart, (2) knowledgeable, (3) a good speaker, (4) a good debater, (5) former Speaker of the House of Representatives.  He is the flavor de jour (maybe was the flavor de jour). A few weeks ago Gingrich suddenly rocketed to the top of the polls.  Republicans generally are fond of rockets but they found this one disconcerting. Why?

Gingrich has been around several blocks. While Speaker, he also rocketed to the top of political consciousness. He engineered a Republican takeover of the House. He authored the “Contract with America,” a manifesto of political principles that garnered a lot of attention.  And then he fizzled.  He went after President Clinton and became a polarizing figure.  He resigned his congressional seat under an ethical cloud. He has been married three times, which is two times more than you're supposed to as a Republican, and was having an affair with the future third Mrs. Gingrich while he was married to number two, and while he was going after Clinton for marital infidelity. He is a former professor at the Harvard of west Georgia, West Georgia College. He conveys his intelligence, knowledge, etc. with the condescending air of a college professor to a class of unpromising undergraduates. He has used this tone with Congresswoman Bachmann in debate.  That has not gone over well. People got tired of hearing Speaker Gingrich speak, including Republican people.  Republicans hadn’t heard from Gingrich much since he resigned Congress and when he began speaking recently they liked it, like they liked it when he first became Speaker. Now that they’ve heard more from him again as he’s rocketed up the polls, they’re getting tired of hearing him speak again. And he’s fizzling.  The latest Iowa poll has him in a statistical tie with Romney when a couple of weeks ago he had a clear lead. The word you read from Republican Party officials on Gingrich is “undisciplined:” undisciplined in his personal life, undisciplined in his political life. Oh, and he was born and raised in Pennsylvania.

And so there you have it. One of these homo sapiens will oppose President Obama in the fall of 2012. The bet here is that it will be Governor Romney, and it should be Governor Romney, he seems to be the most able of the Republicans.

Painting:  The Four Freedoms (Speech), Norman Rockwell (1943).