“Todd Akin” is a Congressman from Missouri. He is running for the Senate, which is considered the “upper” house of Congress, as opposed to the “lower” House of Representatives. Todd wants to be “upper.”  Todd is a Republican so he is against abortion.  Todd’s stance against abortion is a little unusual, a little…“purer,” in that he would deny a woman the right to abortion even if she had gotten pregnant via rape. In explanation, Todd said that he had arrived at his “purer” position only after consultation and,

“[F]rom what I understand from doctors, it’s really rare. If it’s a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut the whole thing down.”

The bird hit the air pump over this statement by Todd but let’s be fair.  We all know what he really meant.  All Todd was saying was, he was really just making common sense distinctions:  As we all know, there’s “rape,” which is forcible sexual battery—which, of course, is a crime--; there’s “legitimate rape” which is just a “longhand” way of saying “rape,” also a crime. And then there’s “illegitimate rape…”

?

Thus Todd explained rape.

Continuing, Todd said learned disciples of the Temple of Aesculapius advised that women’s biology is wily enough to recognize these common sense distinctions and not let the rapist’s seed fertilize their eggs.

Wily eggs.

No, no, this is not about Todd’s vetted exposition on rape and biology, the bird has hit the air pump because Todd has a head shaped like a Star Trek character that I remember,

 and grows his hair long on the left so that he can comb it over a bald spot on top.

Ladies and gentlemen, friends and enemies, the Republican candidate for the United States Senate from the State of Missouri, Todd Akin.