Sunday, May 25, 2014

In our imperfect and as yet incomplete survey of the font of humanity, we cannot help but to have made some generalizations based on our observations, as we cultural anthropologists do.

We note sand. We note sand all over the place, sand of different colors, sand of every race, color and creed.

We note that of the African people profiled so far, about half, it seems to us, have been darkly-complected. Since we left the Mediterranean all have been. None have been of that race of humanity known as "White." Yet...yet: Yet we have not failed to notice, lurking in the dusky shadows, the Pale Horse. Englishmen ruled Egypt, we know. That influence has not turned out particularly well, it seems to us. Those descendants of Englishmen who declared their independence from the Crown in the New World had, until very lately, a strong influence in Egypt also. The bird hit the air pump again. And we seem to remember English influence in other of the north African countries but we're not 100% sure.

More so, it seems, has been the influence, so far, of those pale-faces who are Sons of Napoleon: in Algeria, in Tunisia, in Morocco at water's edge, and in the sandbox, practically every country surveyed to this point. We pay tribute to these seeds of the fleur de lis which have flowered so luxuriantly in the Sahara.

And, of course, we note the benign presence of Muhammad. Everywhere.

MockAfrica.com

Heavens, another blowfish-ish shaped country in Africa.


This is Mali.

Not to be confused with Bali. Or Bally.


This is Mali's Seal.

"Un peuple, un but, une foi" is not to be confused with "Ein Volk, ein Reich, ein Fuhrer," on account of it's French. The foi of which there is only une is Islam. So...maybe. Comme ci comme ca.

Mali checks in with a robust HDI rank of 182nd, lagging only slightly behind its blowfish neighbor Niger in quest for bottom.

Among the agreeable cultural practices of Mali is female genital mutilation which adorns 85%-91%
of those eligible. Which nicely correlates with the 90% of Malians who are Muslim.

The fourth Google image that shows actual Malians is this one, a charming shot of a friendly member of the gendarme with a Captain Hook like device in his left hand offering assistance to an elderly un of the peuple. So nice.


The undersigned wanderer has a blurred memory of some upset among the un peuple in the north of Mali so it could be that, too.

Thus Mali.

Where is Voyager?

Distance from Earth
19,013,573,823 KM
127.09789072 AU
Distance from the Sun
19,134,912,110 KM
127.90898708 AU
Roundtrip Light Time from the Sun
35:14:04
hh:mm:ss

That's Voyager 1. It's in interstellar space. Still going--further and further away--since launch 37 years ago in September. The NASA website has the distance updated in real-time.

Saturday, May 24, 2014

MockAfrica.com

Niger is a very interesting country. The first thing we have to know about Niger is that it is not Nigeria. This becomes difficult because the people of Niger are called Nigerians and the people of Nigeria are called Nigerians. So we have to use something else. Ok, Niger is the country that looks like a blowfish swimming to the bottom.

 Which actually is where it is in terms of the United Nations Human Development Index. 186th out of 186 countries. Nice! Also, Nigeria is the country with the President named Goodluck, the First Lady named Patience and the Petroleum Minister named Ever. Niger does not have good luck or patience. Ever. What Niger has is sand: 80% of the blowfish is desert.

Niger also has a National Museum, which is one of the best in all of West Africa,



and a palatial Temple to the Law:


Niger also has a modern transportation infrastructure.

Ground transportation is augmented with a fleet of well-appointed taxis and friendly drivers.


There is no traffic congestion in Niger.
Ever.

Reliable motor vehicles are available for rental in case the camel breaks down.


A cheerful "Welcome" sign greets tourists to the capital.

Four- and five-crescent rated hotels, this one from only $102/night, are plentiful.


As is sophisticated catch-and-eat al fresco dining.

All this, without the false comfort of alcohol on account of Niger is strictly Islamic.

Nice!

MockAfrica.com


In our tour of Africa we inadvertently omitted "Eritrea, Eritrea, Eritrea," the country and its imaginatively-titled anthem. We remedy this omission.

Eritrea has been independent (of Ethiopia) since 1993 and has rocketed to the bottom of the planet's countries, ranking dead last in press freedoms, behind even North Korea :o. Which is impossible for us to conceive. But which the Eritreans have done, done, done.

Islam and Roman Catholicism are the only two religions permitted in Eritrea and even Protestant Christians, such as Presbyterians, are persecuted. Which we believe is unique.

Eritrea is a one-party state, which does not surprise us. Elections are required by the Eritrean constitution. But have never been held.

Eritrea's exports are reflected in this tree-map, courtesy of Wikipedia:


Eritrea, Eritrea, Eritrea! Where men are men. And the sheep are nervous.



Cristiano Ronaldo on a penalty makes it 4-1. Oh, a cruel line for Atletico, all of Real's goals coming in the 90th minute and beyond. Congratulations to the champions.
And now Marcelo, in the 118th minute, has wrapped it up for Real Madrid, who will win la decima, their tenth UCL title. 
Gareth Bale scores in the 110 minute and it is 2-1, Real.
Last year it was an all German final, this year it is all Madrid, as Real and Atletico play for the Champions League title. Sergio Ramos scored in the 90th minute to tie and they are now in the 107th minute and still tied.

Friday, May 23, 2014

Goodluck!

This incomprehensible advertisement on Public Occurrences is dedicated to MockAfrica.com.
"And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance...I hope you dance...I hope you dance"

Dedicated to Dion.

"This world was never meant for one as beautiful as you."

Dedicated to Garman.

Thursday, May 22, 2014

NSA.

The United States House of Representatives passed a law that would have reigned in NSA. "But," in the words of The New York Times:


"in the last days before the vote, intelligence and Obama administration officials watered down the original bill by the Judiciary and Intelligence Committees, turning many technology companies and advocates against it."

Swine.

When is a coup not a coup?

When it's in Egypt.

A coup d'etat occurred in Thailand today. The United States immediately called it:


“I am disappointed by the decision of the Thai military to suspend the constitution and take control of the government after a long period of political turmoil, and there is no justification for this military coup.”- Secretary of State John Kerry.

John-John still has not called the July, 2013 coup in Egypt a coup. Neither has any other Obama official. Why? It's not in U.S. interests. Swine.

"We Muslims are one body."

Today that one body killed 31 more in Xinjiang, China.

"We Muslims are one body."


Note written by Boston Marathon bomber Dzhokhar Tsarnaev as he lay hiding from police in a boat.

Nationalmuseumofchad.

Wednesday, May 21, 2014

MockAfrica.com

The U.S. is sending 80 military intel people to Chad to help "Bring Back Our Girls!" Maybe Chad is where the girls are; maybe Goodluck doesn't want the U.S. military on sacred Nigerian soil--I don't friggin know why Chad, but Chad it is:


I take it there's not much water in Chad.


Ominously, this photo's title is "Chad farming."


I do not know if this photo had "Chad housing" in the title. I hope not. My good people, move out of Chad.


"Chad camp." Why, because the other one WAS Chad housing? Is there ANY water in goddamned 
Chad?


What are those things? I demand to know what those things are! Grain storage from the fecund Chad farming? Yurt's or something? Maybe that's where Chad keeps its water. Where the heck are the 80 U.S. military personnel going to stay? What are they going to eat and drink? How did they luck into this assignment?

Tuesday, May 20, 2014

Wish I had one of those spacesuits.
Good night.
I'm bored, man.

Hey! Look! NASA's new spacesuit! Wowww! Betcha like that more than pageviews by country, huh? Huh! Wow. And don't forget, yesterday morning we had McDonald's new mascot, John Wayne Gacy.

You're welcome.

Hey friends and enemies, show of hands, how many would like a continuation of our popular daily series "Public Occurrences Pageviews by Country," huh how about it!

Thatwillconcludeourpopularseries"publicoccurrencespageviewsbycountry."
May 20:

United States 35
Germany 8
Russia 7
Spain 3
China 2
Indonesia 2
India 2
Italy 2
Poland 2
Vietnam 2
May 19:

United States 32
Turkey 12
Germany 8
Russia 6
Slovenia 5
France 3
South Korea 2
Lithuania 2. Don't worry Lithiums, we'll protect you from the big, bad Russian bear!  Vilnius is JUST AS IMPORTANT to us as Washington! 
Malaysia 2
Australia 1

Hated by some, disliked by many, liked by some, loved by few.

Good morning.


Wow, that is just awful. That is McDonald's new mascot, replacing Ronald. ?? I think Graphic Design got it backwards: McDonald's is where children go to eat, not where children go to be eaten. Honest mistake.

Monday, May 19, 2014

China, America.

Attorney General Eric Holder announced today that five members of PLIP, the People's Liberation Internet Police have been indicted for spying on American corporations, Westinghouse was one. This is not new news; early in 2013, the media, including this little message-in-a-bottle repeated accusations that Unit 61398 in Shanghai had been traced by the Americans as the source of cyber spying. Back then I certainly took the American side of the dispute. As I recall I suggested the inspired response of hacking into China.gov or whatever it is and redirecting all traffic to a gay porn site.  I'm proud of that brainstorm. It was not adopted.

Things have changed since those Manichean days before the revelations that NSA was bugging European embassies, the personal cell phones of foreign national leaders, and had hollowed out the constitutional guarantees of, like, Americans. America was exposed. America was exposed as the rogue nation that it is, as the world's arch hypocrite, for among the activities we have learned NSA to have engaged in has been the obsessive spying and bugging in order to gain an advantage for the US in trade deals.

The Americans draw a distinction between industrial spying for leverage in government level trade negotiations and the direct theft of American corporate secrets for use by their foreign counterparts. The world disagrees with this interpretation, as it should, for the American distinction is hubristically hypocritical. The world sees the soul of America as corrupt and disingenuous. Which it is. So much of what Holder does is hypocritical, intellectually dishonest, and fruitless. Just as much of what his boss does is the same. I'm all for China, and any other foreign governmental entities, stealing what they can get from America. This America must be brought to its knees. I hope that these challenging attacks on the insatiable amoral shark of American predatory capitalism are successful. This America is the arch rogue state in the world. This America should be destroyed.
May 18:

United States 58
Germany 11
Slovenia 7
China 2
United Kingdom 2
Russia 2
Ukraine 2
Australia 1
Spain 1
France 1

Whoa, look at that, Russia TWO. Two? Rooski, dos? You no like? Wish insult? I insult, Rooski, you no wad panties, I insult. I think of good one Rooski and ZAP! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. Rooski want zap. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

Sunday, May 18, 2014

MockAfrica.com

What a great idea! And the domain was available. From east to west and north to south:


What a way to start, huh? Egypt deserves another one.



Next:



Another one for Libya, too. A composite, Al-Islam, before and after his finger...surgery:


Drop-off in quality here, I allow. Tunisia.



Had to look a while to find a good one for Algeria, but then..."The Domestication of Culture." OHH, OHH! A home run! At least a triple:


 Morocco. That's the king. Yeah, they have a king. That's the king. Maybe he's a gay king. 



Western Sahara. "The Gateway to Western Sahara." The gateway less traveled.
                                                                   

Back east to Sudan. And the pregnant female doctor condemned to be executed because she is Christian.

We'll pick this up next time with Chad. Chad!  Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, there are going to be some good ones on Chad!