Thursday, May 11, 2017

Profiles in Monstrosity

Hate nicknames. Stupid. Short cuts. What is hard about "Benjamin"? Three syllables, phonetic, wtf? "William": two syllables. That so hard? How do you get "Bill" out of "William?" Stupid. And "Will" and "Willie." Hate them. Which is why I use them so much. Make up my own. You use a nickname, fine! Here's looking at you, "Ana."

All nicknames are not created equally detestable, however. There are degrees of loathsome. To the nth degree sports team nicknames are the worst. Which is why I put "official" nicknames in "quotes." Cartoon character nicknames and insignia are the worst of the worst:
"The Mighty Ducks of Anaheim," Ana's original name. I'd be embarrassed to wear that thing! Surprised that Michael Eisner and Disney were the original owners?

Shortened of course, OF COURSE, to "Preds."

I love (hate them so much I love them) the ones with the cartoon character acting human:
Like an extinct reptile wearing sneakers, dribbling a basketball.

A bug posing pornographically in sneakers, dribbling.

A fucking flightless bird wearing scarf, steelworkers gloves, skates, carrying a hockey stick. In the history of Stupid THAT is stupid. Shortened to "Pens," of course.

Three of those hideousies are still playing in the NHL playoffs. One of them will probably win the Stanley Cup. Which is one thing I like so much about English soccer.