Continuing our popular series "Legal Confusion," one will recall, if one wishes to further engage in self-abuse, that one Trump was found liable for sexual abuse of E. Jean Carroll by a jury, but not found liable for rape of Ms. Carroll.

Judge Lewis A. Kaplan issued a ruling in "Carroll II", E. Jean Carroll's second defamation suit against said Trump:

The finding that Ms. Carroll failed to prove that she was “raped” within the meaning of the New York Penal Law does not mean that she failed to prove that Mr. Trump “raped” her as many people commonly understand the word “rape.” 

The gravamen of the learned judge's ruling apparently is that said Trump did rape Ms. Carroll as that term is "commonly" used. As a foundational matter, based on the above, totally bizarre to the undersigned, sentence which relies on street understanding rather than the New York Penal Law, one may well wonder if this is like a real judge or some People's Court judge on the electronic television machine. The Honorable Lewis A. Kaplan is indeed a real judge, and not one of those dud state court judges neither--he's a U.S. District Court judge. The Feds! 

Now to the "meat", as it were, the substance, of Judge Kaplan's ruling, one will recall that the jury found said Trump liable for "fingering" (common people understanding) Ms. Carroll but not for sticking his penis in Ms. Carroll's vagina. Beyond a reasonable doubt, based upon a lifetime informal canvass of my fellow Americans, what "many people commonly understand the word 'rape'" to mean is penile-vaginal union or, especially, penetration, not digital penetration, which many of my fellow hes and shes don't even consider like "sex" but rather "flirting" or "foreplay." It is clear to the undersigned that the jury found digital penetration proved but penetration with the dick's dick unproved. It is clear to the undersigned that Judge Kaplan has misapplied the street law definition of rape. So HELD.