Thursday, November 07, 2013

Believing. And Seeing. Part III.

Seeing is believing.

We are sentient beings. We get our knowledge of the physical world almost exclusively from our five senses. But there's a "sixth sense," right? Our minds? We can see in our "mind's eye," too. Can't see as well through our mind's eye though, right?  My high school French teacher told us a story. He told us a story of the loveliest voice on the radio when he was a teenage boy, of how he listened to that lovely voice over and over again and of how he created in his mind's eye an image of physical beauty to match that voice and of how deceived he felt when he first saw Kate Smith's photograph.

Who you gonna believe, me our your lyin' eyes?

I was working out at the gym some years ago and the scariest looking guy was there. Big. Not curling much weight but big. Serious, mean look. Dark glasses. dark black hair, mustache, black shorts, sleeveless T-shirt. Chains. The mother-fucker had chains on him. I stayed away. Then his cell phone rang. "Hellooo-ah. How are youuuuu??? Abruptly, I turned and looked at him.  At the gy-ymm. Shu-wa. Oh stop it you little faggot. I tilted my head to look behind him to see if I could discover the source of this little voice I was hearing. I'll be over when I'm done.

My knowledge of Dr. Jennifer Ruth came exclusively from her emails. It happened very quickly. In the 46 days prior to commencement of these posts we exchanged 178 emails. I did not google her, I have never spoken to her on the phone, we have not met. We had one subject of interest in common, it was a big subject, China, but 95% of the content of those emails was China-specific. I knew what she thought about China, but how can you "know" someone only through email, when the email content is so circumscribed?

Yet, pretty quickly, I felt that I knew Dr. Ruth. She wore no mask. She was so open, friendly, engaging, bright, such a wonderful writer. She was good people.

 I've looked this man in the eye. I've seen into his soul. (George W. Bush on Vladimir Putin.).

I'm not good at this stuff. At "reading" people. When a lawyer says, "This guy is credible" or "That guy's a liar," after a half-hour conversation I always say "Yeah."  I always agree because I have no fucking idea.

I had no reasonable doubt. I knew Dr. Ruth. She was "normal," with no more baggage than would fit under the seat. Nice. She was a nice person. I had no reasonable doubt about Dr. Ruth as a person before I was convinced beyond a reasonable doubt that she was female. The clincher came when she sent me one of her writings describing a prior visit to China. A Chinese scholar had taken her to give a guest lecture at a class, so the students could see a real American professor. One of the female students raised her hand to ask a question. "Is it true that American women have sex without being in love." Punk-ass kid. Jennifer wrote of her embarrassment and how she tried to explain and then moved on. That was before she went to China to interview Hu Jie and she got back last week, so pretty recently, maybe three weeks ago, I became convinced Jennifer was female. (Now that she was a confirmed female she was "sweet," not just nice.) Jennifer. She was always Jennifer, not Professor or Doctor. Her writing, both formal and in email, was free of academic-speak. She wrote just..."normal," just as she was.

Unconsciously, I developed a picture in my mind of Jennifer. It wasn't a movie, she wasn't moving, delivering a lecture or something, it was a still, a snap-shot. It was pretty specific. She was seated, turned away from a desk facing the camera. The camera was slightly to her right, at chest level. She was smiling. She had shoulder-length brown hair, a thin build, dressed academic formal-casual. A girly-girl, not a doofsy, bubble-headed, Barbie-doll, but a woman of unambiguous gender. Clearly, happily female. Pretty. Attractive. She was attractive but except for the smile, I didn't have an image of her face in my mind.