Official Read-Out of Phone Call between President Donald Trump and Iran President Hassan Rouhani

POTUS: "Hassan! How's tricks?"
POTIROI: (muffled) "مسئله ای که تلفن من دارد صحبتمی کند دیوانه است."
POTUS: "Hassan? President Rouhani? This is President Trump of the United States."
POTIROI: (recording playing) "این تماس برای اهداف آموزشیضبط و پایش خواهد شد."
POTUS: "Mr. President?" (muffled) "There's something wrong with this phone line, it's speaking Spanish."
POTIROI: "This is President Rouhani."
POTUS: "Oh, there you are! Okay. Hassan, I have always liked you, you have a lot of potential and I wanted to speak to you personally because I am told that the Ayatollah has directed that there be a "proportional" response to the unfortunate accident that resulted in General Suleimani's tragic passing and I want to understand what "proportional" means I hope it doesn't...
POTIROI: "It is a common English word, proportional; look it up."
POTUS: "Sort of I'll know it when I see it, I get it, okay."
POTIROI: "You will not see it and you will not know it."
POTUS: "You will not see it and you will not know it, I'm not sure what that means."
Unidentified POTUS aide: (muffled) "Mr. President, I think he means you."
POTUS: (muffled) "What the fuck are you talking about it means me. Now you're talking Spanish."
Unidentified POTUS aide: (muffled) "You will not see it and you will not know it because you will be dead, sir."
POTUS: (muffled) "He's going to kill me?"
POTUS: "Hassan I have this pain in my assholes telling me that he interpreted what you said to mean you are going to kill me, hahahahahaha."

(pause)

POTUS: "Hassan?" (muffled) "I think the phone just went dead. That's the only thing that's dead around here, you jag off!"

POTIROI: "I am here."
POTUS: "You're going to kill me?"
POTIROI: "With pleasure."

(pause)

POTUS: "Is there anything I can say to talk you out of it?"

POTIROI: "Not that I can think of."
POTUS: "Hey, how 'bout them Cowboys, huh!

Did you see they fired Garrett? Finally, huh! Would you like to own an NFL team? I can arrange it. The Tehran Generals, in honor of General Salami who accidentally got in the way of that drone--I know he didn't mean to do it; wrong place, wrong time, it happens!--when it malfunctioned and crashed, he would be very honored I know, I know. You know I used to own a football team named the Generals! I think it would be a nice gesture on my part for the, you know, the accident.

We'd put the team in the eastern conference to cut down on travel, you and I could go to a game together!"

(pause)

POTUS: "With all due respect, Hassan, killing me would not be proportional to killing--accidentally, by the way! You know it was an accident--one general.

 (pause)

POTUS: "Can I trust you, Hassan, I feel like I can trust you. I am going to share some top secret intelligence with you. What if I told you the GPS locations of certain U.S. generals?

POTUS: "I'll give you the location of one U.S. general and you can kill him."

(pause) 

POTUS: "Okay, three generals! Three generals. I will order them to stand on a street corner under a light pole and you can proportional them do we have a deal?

POTUS: "Hello?" (muffled) "The fucking phone went dead again you fucking deadhead."
Unidentified POTUS aide: "He hung up on you sir."