This is the uncompleted draft of the 2011 post referred to previously. The pictures and some additional translation are the only changes.

Carmen and I entertain frequently. Carmen is Cuban so when her friends or family come over, which is only on days of the week ending in “y” and only after 9 pm, there is an “international” flavor to our gatherings already, which flavor I enhance by inviting my best friend, Johnnie Walker, a Scotsman.

Recently we had a visitor from China.  Mr. Li Wei made us his first stop on a tour to learn about America, to “seek the soul of America.”  Since my fluency in Chinese is not quite fluent we arranged for an interpreter.

B.H.:  Welcome Mr. Li!  We are so delighted to have you. This is Carmen my Cuban Concubine. Heh-heh-heh.

Interpreter: 欢迎陈先生！我们很高兴能有你。这是卡门我古巴的虞姬。

L.W.:  哈里斯先生，谢谢你。我很高兴和大家见面，卡门。

Interpreter: Thank you, Mr. Harris. I am delighted to meet you and Carmen.

C.C.C.: ¿De dónde eres…Where are you going to go in the U.S. Mr. Li?

Interpreter: 你要去哪里去美国议员陈？

L.W.:  城市如此相像，不是吗？即使不同的国家之间。我想进入美国的农村成为普通民众中.

Interpreter: Cities are so much alike, no?  Even between different nations.  I would like to go into the countryside of America

B.H.: Superb! Superb idea Mr. Li.

Interpreter: 卓越！精湛的想法，陈先生。

L.W.:是的，我一直在研究。美国是这样一个不同的土地：落基山脉，大平原地区，新英格兰。还有的人！白色，黑色，美国本地人...

Interpreter: Yes, I have been researching.  America is such a varied land: The Rocky Mountains, the Great Plains, New England. And the people!  White, black, Native American...

C.C.C.: …Cuban.

L.W.: 是的，和古巴。一个大的拉丁人口。

Interpreter: Yes, and Cuban.  A large Latin population.

B.H.: Very large. What have you been researching in preparation for your tour?

Interpreter: 你一直在研究，准备为您的旅游？

L.W.当然，我们已经知道了很多关于美国的。整个世界一样。我们知道的基本知识：你的国家，其历史成立。我感兴趣的是美国人的思维，哈里斯先生，在灵魂。所以我重新读托克维尔和我读先生路易·梅南的书形而上学的俱乐部，我认为是优秀的。

Interpreter.: Of course we already know much about America. The whole world does.  We know the basics: of the founding of your country and its history. I am interested in the thinking of Americans, Mr. Harris, in the soul.  So I have re-read Tocqueville and I read Mr. Louis Menand’s book The Metaphysical Club, which I found to be excellent.

B.H.: Indeed it is.

L.W.:和我以前读过海明威和福克纳。它是从福克纳先生，我计上心来参观农村。但仅此而已。我还没有读更多。我不想有太多的成见。我想观察并以“感”。

Interpreter: And I had previously read Hemingway and Faulkner. It is from Mr. Faulkner that I got the idea to visit the countryside.  But that is all. I have not read more. I did not want to have too many preconceptions. I want to observe and to “sense.”

B.H.: I think you have taken a very wise approach. So what have you found in your research on America that you would like to learn more about during your trip?

Interpreter: 在你对美国的研究，你有什么发现，你想在旅途中更多地了解？

L.W.:  哈里斯先生，我想问你，这是谁的美洲原住民（显示照片）？

Interpreter:  Mr. Harris, may I ask you, who is this Native American (showing photograph)?

B.H.: (laughing)  Oh, that is Calvin Coolidge, a former president. 

Interpreter: 噢，那是前总统卡尔文柯立芝，。

C.C.C.: (uncontrollable laughter).

L.W.: 前总统？但是，为什么他穿美国印第安头饰？

Interpreter: A former president?  But why does he wear a Native American headdress?

B.H.:  Yes, that is former president Calvin Coolidge.  That is a famous photograph because he looks so ridiculous to American eyes.

Interpreter:没错，就是前总统卡尔文柯立芝。这是一个著名的摄影作品，在美国人眼里，因为他看起来太荒谬了。

C.C.C.: (laughing) Crazy gringo.

B.H.: In answer to your question "why" though, Mr. Li:  to show...respect, I guess. And support.  To show respect and support to the Native Americans.

Interpreter:在回答你的问题“为什么”虽然，陈先生：显示...尊重，我想。和支持。 ，以示尊重和支持印第安人。

Interpreter: Ben, may I call you Ben?

B.H.: (nodding) Yes, yes. Please.

L.W.: 本，这是美国总统？

Interpreter: (showing photograph) Ben, is this an American president also?

B.H.: Let me see that? 

C.C.C.: Is that a growth on his head?

B.H.: Mr. Li I don’t know who this is but I can tell you that he is a fan of Alabama University sports teams.

Interpreter:陈先生，我不知道这是谁，但我可以告诉你，他是美国阿拉巴马大学运动队的风扇。

B.H.: Where did you get this, Mr. Li?  Maybe if I knew the context...

Interpreter: 哪里弄来的，陈先生？也许，如果我知道的范围内...

L.W.: 他在新闻。他杀害了一些树木。他的名字是哈维Updyke，少年。

Interpreter: He was in the news. He killed some trees. His name is Harvey Updyke, Junior.

C.C.C.: He killed trees? Benjamincito what does it mean he killed some trees?

B.H.:  Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh. That guy.  Oh god, how do I explain this.  Mr. Li, sports is taken very seriously in America…

Interpreter:那个家伙。哦，上帝，我怎么解释这个。陈先生，体育正在非常认真地在美国...

L.W.: 少年起着运动吗？

Interpreter: Junior plays sports?

C.C.C.: Benjamin, what does it mean he killed trees.

B.H.: (to C.C.C.) This guy’s an asshole. He’s an Alabama fan and poisoned some trees on Auburn’s campus.

C.C.C.: What’s Auburn?

B.H.: It’s another university…

C.C.C: …Why did he poison trees?

L.W..: 他们说什么？

Interpreter: 图中的人是一个学者或东西。

B.H.: Oh god. Carmen, could you get me a drink?

C.C.C.: Gentlemen, would you like something to drink, tea, water? 

Interpreter: 陈先生，你喜欢什么饮料，茶或水？

L.W.: 茶，请。谢谢你，卡门。

Interpreter: Mr. Li will have tea and I will have tea also. Thank you, Carmen.

C.C.C.: Benjamin?

B.H.: Scotch.

B.H.: Mr. Li, I don’t know how to explain this. This man is a sports fan.  He follows Alabama University.  Alabama’s big rival is the University of Auburn.  Auburn won their football game last year and this guy got angry.  Auburn fans celebrate football victories by throwing toilet paper over Oak trees…Oh my god, I want to die. God take me now, please.

L.W.: 他是什么人说什么？

Interpreter: 他想死。我不知道。等待。

C.C.C.: Here we go. Mr. Li, Mr. Interpreter, Benjamincito.

L.W.: 谢谢你，卡门。

Interpreter: Thank you.

B.H.: Thanks, honey.

B.H.: Oooh. That hit the spot.

C.C.C.: Thirsty?

L.W.: 他喝了整个事情！

Interpreter: 我知道。

B.H.: These two American universities, Alabama and Auburn, play tackle football against each other. They hate each other…

Interpreter:这两个美国的大学，阿拉巴马州和奥本，对对方的打击足球。他们互相仇视。

C.C.C.: …Why do they hate each other?

B.H.: …So when they play each other and one wins, the other gets angry.

Interpreter: 因此，当他们发挥彼此和一台WINS，其他生气。

L.W.: 他们为什么恨对方？

Interpreter: …Why do they hate each other?

C.C.C.: See, that’s what I asked?

B.H.: Because they’re both from the same state and…I don’t know, but it’s a common thing in America for two universities from the same state to hate each other.

Interpreter: 他不知道，但它的共同。

L.W.: 这名男子扮演的大学之一？

Interpreter: This man plays for one of the universities?

B.H.: Yeah, he plays left out. That was a joke. No, he doesn’t play football.

Interpreter:  Mr. Harris, may I call you Ben?

B.H.: Yes, yes. Please.

Interpreter:  Ben, it’s confusing this way. Tell me the whole story and then I’ll summarize for Mr. Li.

B.H.: Okay, the only thing this guy plays is with himself.  He doesn’t play football, he’s not a student…

Interpreter: Does he teach there?

B.H.:  …Dude, look at his face. Do you see the lamp of intellect burning therein?  This guy has one brain cell.  He doesn’t teach there, he’s not a student there, was never a student there, doesn’t play for the team, he has no affiliation with the university whatsoever. None, zero, zilch…

C.C.C.: …Nada?

B.H.: …No.  He’s a fan, the root is “fanatic,” okay?

Interpreter: Okay, let me tell Mr. Li.

 这人是疯了。

L.W.: 世卫组织，本？

Interpreter: 没有，图片中的家伙，堤坝，什么的，他的名字，哈维Updyke，少年

L.W.: 你说的“堤坝”，是同性恋的美国俚语，不是吗？这是男人是同性恋吗？

Interpreter:我的意思是“Updyke，”我不记得男人的名字......不过，这是一个很好的的问题，我就问他。Ben, is this man, Mr. Updyke, homosexual?

B.H.: (laughing uncontrollably).  No, I mean I don’t know, but I don’t think so. Why do you ask?

Interpreter: Well, the clothes, his “costume.”

B.H.: (laughing) Yeah, yeah, I see. But no, he’s not gay, he’s not in good enough shape.

Interpreter: Okay, so tell me more of the story. You said this man’s crazy, what did he do to trees?

B.H.:  He’s not crazy-crazy.  I mean, he wasn’t in an insane asylum.  Look at the picture: there are other people dressed in similar “costumes.”  Some probably have no affiliation with the university either.  They’re just “fanatics.”  Updyke was/is an extreme fanatic. Last year, Alabama, Updyke’s team, played Auburn and lost.  Auburn fans celebrate football victories by stringing toilet paper over these Oak trees on campus… 

Interpreter: Excuse me, sorry to interrupt, Ben. Why do they put toilet paper on the trees?

B.H.:  Carmen, could you get me another drink, please?...I don’t know, man. That’s what they do. It’s a tradition…Carmen, just bring the bottle.

Interpreter: Okay, let me tell Mr. Li.

该名男子是不是同性恋。

L.W.: 他只是疯了吗？

Interpreter: 不是真的疯了…像文革期间的红卫兵。

L.W.: Ahhh.  他的服装更是红色的！其他人都穿着红色！

B.H.: Thank you, Carmen. A man needs his fuel!

C.C.C.: Benjamincito, why did this man kill the trees.

B.H.: Because he’s loco in the cabeza.

Interpreter: Ben, why are these people all dressed in red?

B.H.: (drinking from bottle). Oooh boy.

L.W.: 看看他！

Interpreter: 我知道。

B.H.: Huh?

Interpreter:  Why are they all dressed in red?

B.H.: Alabama’s nickname is the “Crimson Tide.”  You see on the back of this guy’s jacket: “Crimson Tide.”

Interpreter: Why are they called the “Crimson Tide?”  What is a “Crimson Tide?”

B.H.: Don’t know… Don’t know nothin’. (singing) “Don’t know nothin’ bout history; don’t know nothin’ ‘bout geography; don’t know nothing ‘bout algebra…”

L.W.: 他在干什么？

Interpreter: 我不知道... ...歌唱。

C.C.C.: Benjamincito, drink some ice-water.

B.H.: Okie-dokie.  Thanks.

Be right back, I’m going to go to the bathroom to “freshen up.”

C.C.C.: Splash some cold water on your face!

B.H.: Okie-dokie. (leaves room)

C.C.C.: Benjamin loves his country and wants you to have a good impression of it but sometimes he gets embarrassed by it. He wants to explain this thing to you but he’s having trouble and he’s frustrated.

Interpreter: We understand.

本杰明热爱他的国家，希望你有一个良好的印象，

但有时他得到尴尬。他想解释这个给你，但他不能和他的沮丧。

B.H.: Okay, sorry. I got a little goofy there, folks. I love my country and want you to have a good impression of it but sometimes I get embarrassed by it.  I want to explain this thing to you but I was having trouble and I got frustrated.  I didn’t know this thing with Updyke was going to come up so I wasn’t prepared; I hadn’t thought it through to be able to explain or attempt to explain.

Just give Mr. Li my apologies and then I’ll start over, I hope more cogently. I will explain what I can and tell you when I can’t.

Interpreter:他说，卡门没有完全一样的东西！他的遗憾，他刚沮丧。他再试一次，他不知道这是要来了. 我将解释什么，我可以告诉你当我不能。

B.H.: Okay:  I do not know why Alabama University’s nickname is the “Crimson Tide.”

Interpreter: 我不知道为什么美国阿拉巴马大学的绰号是“赤色风暴”。

B.H.: The elephant is the mascot of Alabama University.

Interpreter: 大象是美国阿拉巴马大学的吉祥物。

B.H.: I don’t know why.

Interpreter: 我不知道为什么。

B.H.: Mr. Updyke’s hat is made out of an elephant doll.

Interpreter: Updyke先生的帽子是做出来的大象娃娃。

B.H.: Mr. Updyke’s entire dress is to show his support for Alabama University’s football team.

Interpreter:Updyke先生的整个着装，以显示他对美国阿拉巴马大学的橄榄球队的支持。

B.H.: Americans are a voyeuristic people.

Interpreter: 美国人是一个非常偷窥的人。

B.H.: Although we do a great deal, when it comes to sports, we watch more than we do.

Interpreter: 虽然我们做了很多，当谈到体育，我们看比我们多。

B.H.: Although Mr. Updyke has no affiliation with Alabama University his devotion to its football team is not unusual in America.  Many, many Americans are the same way.

Interpreter:先生Updyke虽然已与美国阿拉巴马大学没有从属关系，他的献身精神，他们的足球队在美国并不少见。许多，许多美国人都以同样的方式。

B.H.: And the spectator sports phenomenon is of course increasingly world-wide: soccer fans are the prime example.

Interpreter: 和观众的体育现象当然是越来越世界各地的球迷是最好的例子。

B.H.: There is a large scholarly literature on the spectator sports phenomenon. I have read some of it as it applies to America but I have not studied it.

Interpreter:有一个大型的体育盛事现象上的学术文献。我已经阅读了一些，因为它适用于美国，但我没有研究过它。

...

I don't know where, if anywhere, I was going to go with this after that. Probably nowhere. The idea to translate made the setting more authentic but it was tedious to go back-and-forth to Google translate. What I learned from this exercise: It's a lot easier to ask questions than it is to offer answers about a country's culture. This is the first time that I ever put myself in a position similar to that which the Chinese who I interviewed in 2008 were in. How do you explain this to someone who is not American? There is a sense in which one is so deeply nested in one's own culture that it is difficult to follow the rope back up to the surface and so, I could not answer the Updyke questions--simple enough--without climbing back up through strata of cultural rock, in which I was buried. As I attempted to climb out I panicked that I didn't know basic factual things, like the meanings of Alabama's nickname and mascot; I was so deep that I never gave them any thought, that's just the way it was! I'd never been asked the questions before. If I couldn't make sensible those things, how could I make sensible the cultural issue: why are there Updykes, plural, for there are many of them? I was one of them. I used to watch college tackle football for twelve hours on Saturdays. Some of the best and worst moments of my life have to do with college sports. W-T-F? I don't know. "I don't know" is the honest answer but it is not illuminating and it is embarrassing.