I like the first few short posts on Cambria County, I think they made a good start: mountains, water, man, nature, biblical themes. I think there's a good book in there! Not by me. I couldn't do it. Why? I don't know. Okay, then why not? If I don't know why, how can I know why not? Maybe I can't. So back to why.
It didn't hold my interest. I get this feeling inside of me when I think about Cambria County, a feeling unique to me. I'm not curious, as I was about China as counter. I grew up there! I do know some things about it, China as counter again. The feeling is of something that I should do, should want to do, and then do. I didn't want to do it though. The feeling was more than avoidance of a should in favor of a want though.
I was living back there when The Johnstown Flood was published. Never read it through till last year. Read part of it in 2009 when Carmen and I went to Gettysburg. Stopped at the flood memorial on the way. Toured St. Michael. The reason I didn't read it when it was published was a feeling also; that if a book was written about Cambria County it couldn't be a very good book because Cambria County wasn't a very good place. That is the feeling I had as a fifteen, or whatever, year old. Not a very nice feeling to have. Not fair, not intelligent. Unfair and stupid! That's the unfair, stupid feeling I had as an unfair, stupid fifteen, or whatever, year old.
It flows logically from that that if Cambria County is not good enough to be worthy of a good book that I, a product of Cambria County, am not good enough, either. Period. Like, in life. Just not a good enough person. I've had some of those feelings too, but not much. Far more prevalent in my life have been feelings of confidence; positive, can-do feelings. Never felt held back by having grown up there. Was not held back. Had a great childhood. Only times I felt I got "not good enough" from Cambria County were when I looked up, as I did several times over the years, how few people from Cambria County ever did anything great. Famous people from Cambria County, slim pickens there. And I don't think there was one who made his or her name in Cambria County. The few who achieved greatness did so after they moved away. When the time came to move on, to college, I moved on. Did okay, only arrested once after age fifty, good, not great. Visited abandonment on my own son in my second divorce. Only two divorces. Moving on quickly became a theme of that book that dominated the other more biblical themes. Moving on, abandonment. Lot of abandonment in Cambria County, lot of moving on; moving on and never looking back.
Abandonment was a feeling I had, for no good reason, in my childhood. Nothing to do with Cambria County. With my oldest brother. He was like a father to me. And then he had the temerity to get married and have his own kids. I felt abandoned and I am ashamed to say I have felt that abandonment all of my life. To this very day, 59 years old. Jesus Christ. Can't help a feeling! Can't help having unfair, stupid feelings as a fifteen, or whatever, year old; can't help feeling abandoned when I was six and eight and ten. You'd think that would go away somewhere between ages 10 and 59. He has never met my own kids. 25 and 18. Never met them. He came down here on vacation maybe 15-20 years ago, I didn't even know it. Never looked me up; never even let me know he was coming down. I didn't know he had been down until maybe 10-15 years later when he mentioned it in passing in conversation with me and another brother after our dad died. Yes, it is still there.
So maybe that is why. That feeling I had that prevented the book with the biblical themes; that was turning into a book about abandoned coal mines and steel mills and communities and a little boy. I suppose that's it or a large part of it, I didn't want to go back there. Didn't even like the feeling I had writing this.
It didn't hold my interest. I get this feeling inside of me when I think about Cambria County, a feeling unique to me. I'm not curious, as I was about China as counter. I grew up there! I do know some things about it, China as counter again. The feeling is of something that I should do, should want to do, and then do. I didn't want to do it though. The feeling was more than avoidance of a should in favor of a want though.
I was living back there when The Johnstown Flood was published. Never read it through till last year. Read part of it in 2009 when Carmen and I went to Gettysburg. Stopped at the flood memorial on the way. Toured St. Michael. The reason I didn't read it when it was published was a feeling also; that if a book was written about Cambria County it couldn't be a very good book because Cambria County wasn't a very good place. That is the feeling I had as a fifteen, or whatever, year old. Not a very nice feeling to have. Not fair, not intelligent. Unfair and stupid! That's the unfair, stupid feeling I had as an unfair, stupid fifteen, or whatever, year old.
It flows logically from that that if Cambria County is not good enough to be worthy of a good book that I, a product of Cambria County, am not good enough, either. Period. Like, in life. Just not a good enough person. I've had some of those feelings too, but not much. Far more prevalent in my life have been feelings of confidence; positive, can-do feelings. Never felt held back by having grown up there. Was not held back. Had a great childhood. Only times I felt I got "not good enough" from Cambria County were when I looked up, as I did several times over the years, how few people from Cambria County ever did anything great. Famous people from Cambria County, slim pickens there. And I don't think there was one who made his or her name in Cambria County. The few who achieved greatness did so after they moved away. When the time came to move on, to college, I moved on. Did okay, only arrested once after age fifty, good, not great. Visited abandonment on my own son in my second divorce. Only two divorces. Moving on quickly became a theme of that book that dominated the other more biblical themes. Moving on, abandonment. Lot of abandonment in Cambria County, lot of moving on; moving on and never looking back.
Abandonment was a feeling I had, for no good reason, in my childhood. Nothing to do with Cambria County. With my oldest brother. He was like a father to me. And then he had the temerity to get married and have his own kids. I felt abandoned and I am ashamed to say I have felt that abandonment all of my life. To this very day, 59 years old. Jesus Christ. Can't help a feeling! Can't help having unfair, stupid feelings as a fifteen, or whatever, year old; can't help feeling abandoned when I was six and eight and ten. You'd think that would go away somewhere between ages 10 and 59. He has never met my own kids. 25 and 18. Never met them. He came down here on vacation maybe 15-20 years ago, I didn't even know it. Never looked me up; never even let me know he was coming down. I didn't know he had been down until maybe 10-15 years later when he mentioned it in passing in conversation with me and another brother after our dad died. Yes, it is still there.
So maybe that is why. That feeling I had that prevented the book with the biblical themes; that was turning into a book about abandoned coal mines and steel mills and communities and a little boy. I suppose that's it or a large part of it, I didn't want to go back there. Didn't even like the feeling I had writing this.
