The Miami "Dolphins" beat the afore-mocked "Jets" today. Everybody beats the "Jets" even the "Dolphins." But the way, the manner in which, Miami accomplished this commonplace was not common and does violence to the meaning of "accomplishment." The cold record documents that Miami won the game 13-6, a dreary score bespeaking generalized futility. The cold record does not do the futility justice. Playing on a field devilishly torn up as by a hurricane Miami won in a game in which no offensive touchdown was scored. Not one. Four field goals and an INT return. Now I ask you: Is that not the quiddity of futility?

There was a time, Oh! there was a time, when sports futility was as foreign to Miami as ice or native English speakers. Miami was the center of the sports universe in America. That time is not now. The "Dolphins" are 5-4; the "Heat" 3-5, the "Marlins," omg the "Marlins:" When there used to be professional baseball played in America, there isn't anymore, it was outsourced years ago to Japan, in the last years that the "Marlins" played professional baseball they...To say the "Marlins" sucked is to insult New York "Jets" fans--Never mind that we do that all the time--the "Marlins" were Cleveland "Browns" futile. Awful. Just...fucking putrid. The "Panthers" are 3-5-3 and left the city of Miami years ago to skate their trade in forsaken places like Sunrise and Helsinki which nobody knows where those places are. Lastly, scholars at the University of Miami have been playing tackle football for a goodly while now but they've not been good at it for awhile. This year: 5-4, same record by cruel fate (Is it?) as the pros, mediocre.

Perhaps it is fate for when the "Dolphins" and "Panthers" and "Hurricanes" and "Heat" Oh my! played in the city of Miami, at the Orange Bowl and the Miami Arena, they kicked bootay. Now they suck ass. Now that they play in Miami "Gardens" (see Sunrise and Helsinki above) the "Dolphins," "Panthers," and "Hurricanes" are terrible. (As an ethical sports social scientist the undersigned acknowledges that his elegant theory did not apply to the late "Marlins" who won two World Seriouses playing in Miami Gardens and only "achieved" Cleveland-like futility when they moved to the city of Miami so the  undersigned is ignoring that.). The "Panthers" had their ONE good season playing in MIAMI. The "Heat" was turned on in 1988 and have always played in the Magic City. They have won three NBA championships.

That was the time. When the "Dolphins" and "Heat" and "Panthers" and "'Canes" were playing in the city of Miami was when Greater Miami was Great at sports, the Center, the Middle Kingdom, the Hub, of the sports universe.

And that time was not a blink in time. That time was a darn long time. The "Dolphins" won consecutive Super Bowls in 1972 and 1973, were a perfect 17-0 in the former, and had winning seasons in 15 of the 18 seasons from 1970 through 1987. Fair piece of time, 18 years. And after two non-winning seasons they ripped off another 12 in the next 14 years. That's 27 winning seasons out of 32. That's a lot of years and that's a lot of winning.

The "Hurricanes"--the University of Miami almost gave up football in the late '70's. However. Big however. Starting in 1979 UM tackle football scholars produced winning seasons in 26 years and losing seasons in two. They won 10 or more games 14 times! They won five national championships in those 28 years. They kicked ass and took names.

The "Heat" were dreadful to mediocre until Pat Riley arrived in 1995. They have had 18 winning seasons in the 25 Riles has been here. Won three titles.

The "Marlins" were in existence from 1993 until they were not in existence. When they became the Hiroshima "Carp." The "Marlins" did not have the longevity thing that the "Dolphins" and "Hurricanes" and even the "Heat" have winning season-wise but in a mere 11 seasons from 1993 through 2003 the "Marlins" won two World Seriouses. Seriously. Not many people in Greater Miami remember that because they were killed in car jackings, died of crack overdoses or were living in foreign countries in those 11 years and still do not speak English nor attained citizenship.

The Florida "Panthers," do the Florida “Panthers” even count? They played five of their 25 seasons in Miami. For the last TWENTY YEARS they have been the Sunrise “Panthers.” The BL&T Center is THIRTY-FIVE MILES from downtown Miami. Not only that, it is in “Broward” County. In 25 years the "Panthers" have been kings of thei frozen jungle, nearly so, close enough for sports social science work, ONCE. That, of course, was the Year of the Rat. Or maybe you don't remember cuz maybe you were in prison or living in some other shit hole. That was 1995-96 and it happened in MIAMI. The "Panthers" were three years old. Cubs. Meow. That was the most improbable near-miss in Miami sports history, damn near the most improbable season anywheres. Outside Leicester. (England). The "Panthers" made the playoffs for the first time in their "history" that year, then beat Boston in the first round 4 games to un; beat Philadelphia 4-2 in the second round and beat Pittsburgh 4-3 to make it to the Stanley Cup Finals wheretheylost4-0tothequebecnordiques.

No actually, the “Panthers” do NOT count as a Miami team nor as a Greater Miami team. They do count as demonstrative exhibit of what becomes the franchise that moves OUT of Miami which is SUCK which is the thesis of this here learned study.

Thus,

-In the 1970's when there were only "Dolphins" and "Hurricanes" and both played in MIAMI the "Dolphins" won two Super Bowls and had 9 winning seasons out of 10. The semi-pro 'Hurricanes" blew: 3 winning seasons.

-The "Dolphins" moved to Miami Gardens in 1987. In the decade of the 1980's they had 6 winning seasons, made the playoffs five times and played in one Super Bowl (lost). The University of Miami had 10 straight winning seasons and won three national championships in MIAMI. The "Heat" only played two seasons in the '80's and were dreadful.

-In the 1990's the Garden "Dolphins" had 8 winning seasons and made the playoffs 7 times. UM dipped in the '90's: only nine winning seasons. Only one national championship. In Miami. "Heat": 6 winning seasons, playoffs 7 years out of 10. The Garden "Marlins" broke the surface in 1993. They had one winning season out of the seven they played but that one was a doozy: a world championship. The "Panthers" scratched the ice in '93 also, also in Miami. They had three winning seasons of the seven they played in the city and had the transcendent Year of the Rat.

-The aughts: The Garden "Dolphins" ought not have played in the aughts. They did have six winning seasons but also six straight years where they didn't make the 'loffs and cratered to 1-15 in 2007. UM won its last national title in 2001 in MIAMI and had nine winning seasons in the decade. The "Hurricanes" began to dissipate in 2007, the same year the "Dolphins" went belly up. The next season they were pushing up daisies in the Gardens. The "'Canes" have never recovered. The "Marlins" went 5-5 in the aughts and won another championship in 2003. The MIAMI "Heat" were 7-3 in the decade, made the playoffs those self same seven seasons, weirdly had their worst season in 2007 also and won their first NBA championship in 2005-06. The "Panthers" were 0 for the decade. Their sun set when they moved to Sunrise in 1998.

-And in the double-digits. We've had 8 double digits. The Garden "Dolphins": one playoff team. The "Marlins" became the "Carp" in the double-digits. The MIAMI "Heat" won two world championships and had six winning seasons out of eight completed. UM has been the "Golden Hurricanes" in the double-digits. The Sunrise "Panthers" are relocating to Helsinki.

Thus thus: Titles won by Greater Miami teams based in Miami: 11. Titles won by Greater Miami teams not based in Miami: two. I rest my case you make me sick good night.