Arright, I'm back at it. Investment advice from the undersigned which you should NEVER, EVER take to the bank.
In short pants, the Premier League is back after...that thing. Home teams always first in soccer.
#2 Chelsea-#8 ManU. Answer is! Swine to win.
#15 Hammerheads-#5 Hottsie Tottsie. Spurs.
#19 Newcastle-#13 Brighton. Rooks to win.
Dead last Cardiff-#17 Fulham. Ugh, what a matchup. Two recently promoted clubs. Fulham has at least won a match so far. But the match is in Whales. How bad is Cardiff? We'll find out more tomorrow. If not now, when? If not Fulham, who? Very tempted to predict a draw here...Fine Cardiff. I hate myself already.
#1 We're #1! We're #1! Manchester City-#12 Burnley. Decisions decisions yeah right. Why do you think God made the sky BA-LOO?
#11 Everton-#14 Child Porn. There's going to be a draw, likely a few, so I'm calling one here.
#6 Bournemouth-#16 Southie. Look at Bourne-cum-in-my-mouth sitting sixth!
#7 Wolverhampton-#9 'Arry the Elk Hornet. Look at Wolves sitting seventh after spending last season having a Coke and some bile. Surprise of the season so far, Wolves. 'Arry.
#18 Town-#3 'Pool. Livers are in a bad patch; Assume it's a patch, it's lasted four or five matches though. They can't score goals all of a sudden. But Shuddersfield Town are just bad. Reds.
#4 Arsenal #10 Lester. Arsenal are on a good stretch. Gooners.
Scholarly tackle. Top 25 only. Home teams always LAST. Americans have to be different. Drive on the left? Okay, we'll drive on the right. Home team first, okay, home team last.
#6 Michigan-#16 Michigan State. Ah boy. In East Lansing too. Ah boy. Shit...What the hell's the line...Michigan by 7. Man, that seems like a lot. MSU just beat Paterno-Sandusky...Mark Dantonio out-coached Fourth-and-five Franklin...Jim Harbaugh is a better coach than F.a.F.F....Sparky's BIG game...Has had success against Wolves...Wolves playing very well though! Very well. Michigan State.
#9 Oklahoma-TCU. Sooners just fired their D-coordinator. Not enough D. Gotta new D-coordinator for this game...In Fort Worth. Horny Toads have played a tough schedule...Beat Iowa State. TCU.
Maryland-#19 Iowa. Hawkeyes.
#20 Cincy-Temple. Cincy's undefeated but they haven't played anybody. Temple's 4-3. Temple has been soo up and down: lose to lower level Villanova at home, win at Maryland. Bowels have won their last two over decent opposition, home to East Carolina, and at Navy. Bowels.
Illinoise-#23 Wisconsin. Boogers.
#1 Alabama-Tennessee Rocky Top you'll always be Greg Schiano to me! Bama.
#16 North Carolina State-#3 Clemson. Clemson, don't pull a Clemson here. Clemson.
Colorado at #15 Wershington. Man, the Raping Buffalos are 17.5 point dogs! They are 5-1. And Washington's 5-2? And they're ranked? And ranked high. They've lost to Auburn--who are now 4-3 and unranked--close, in Seattle and last week, close, at #17 Oregon. Buffs lost at USC (4-2) last week. Have they played anybody...No, not really...Well, who the fuck has Washington beaten...Ooh, nice little win there at Utah...Crushed BYU at home when the Mormon Racists were #20. Washington.
#18 Paterno-Sandusky-Indiana. Fourth-and-Five Franklin.
#22 Mississippi State-#5 LSU. LSU
#10 UCF-East Carolina. UCF.
Heh-heh-heh UConn-#21 USF. Poodles gonna get another double nickle laid on 'em, Poodles are. USF.
#2 Ohio State-Purdue. UPSET! UPSET ALERT! I'm picking Purdue which means OSU will win and cover.
#12 Oregon-#25 Washington State. Guess who's favored? Cougs by 3, which means on a neutral field this would be a pick 'em. Yet O's are ranked 12th and Cougs 25th. Know why that's so fucked up. Because all these teams play on Beijing time and no normal person ever sees them play. Washington has really played a sucky schedule so I'm picking the Ducks.
Vanderbilt-#14 Kentucky. UK lost their first at Texas A&M last week. Vandy has played a brutal schedule, hasn't beaten anybody either and got blown out at home to South Carolina and the Cocks don't blow...out many teams. Kentucky.
Embarrassment tomorrow.
In short pants, the Premier League is back after...that thing. Home teams always first in soccer.
#2 Chelsea-#8 ManU. Answer is! Swine to win.
#15 Hammerheads-#5 Hottsie Tottsie. Spurs.
#19 Newcastle-#13 Brighton. Rooks to win.
Dead last Cardiff-#17 Fulham. Ugh, what a matchup. Two recently promoted clubs. Fulham has at least won a match so far. But the match is in Whales. How bad is Cardiff? We'll find out more tomorrow. If not now, when? If not Fulham, who? Very tempted to predict a draw here...Fine Cardiff. I hate myself already.
#1 We're #1! We're #1! Manchester City-#12 Burnley. Decisions decisions yeah right. Why do you think God made the sky BA-LOO?
#11 Everton-#14 Child Porn. There's going to be a draw, likely a few, so I'm calling one here.
#6 Bournemouth-#16 Southie. Look at Bourne-cum-in-my-mouth sitting sixth!
#7 Wolverhampton-#9 'Arry the Elk Hornet. Look at Wolves sitting seventh after spending last season having a Coke and some bile. Surprise of the season so far, Wolves. 'Arry.
#18 Town-#3 'Pool. Livers are in a bad patch; Assume it's a patch, it's lasted four or five matches though. They can't score goals all of a sudden. But Shuddersfield Town are just bad. Reds.
#4 Arsenal #10 Lester. Arsenal are on a good stretch. Gooners.
Scholarly tackle. Top 25 only. Home teams always LAST. Americans have to be different. Drive on the left? Okay, we'll drive on the right. Home team first, okay, home team last.
#6 Michigan-#16 Michigan State. Ah boy. In East Lansing too. Ah boy. Shit...What the hell's the line...Michigan by 7. Man, that seems like a lot. MSU just beat Paterno-Sandusky...Mark Dantonio out-coached Fourth-and-five Franklin...Jim Harbaugh is a better coach than F.a.F.F....Sparky's BIG game...Has had success against Wolves...Wolves playing very well though! Very well. Michigan State.
#9 Oklahoma-TCU. Sooners just fired their D-coordinator. Not enough D. Gotta new D-coordinator for this game...In Fort Worth. Horny Toads have played a tough schedule...Beat Iowa State. TCU.
Maryland-#19 Iowa. Hawkeyes.
#20 Cincy-Temple. Cincy's undefeated but they haven't played anybody. Temple's 4-3. Temple has been soo up and down: lose to lower level Villanova at home, win at Maryland. Bowels have won their last two over decent opposition, home to East Carolina, and at Navy. Bowels.
Illinoise-#23 Wisconsin. Boogers.
#1 Alabama-Tennessee Rocky Top you'll always be Greg Schiano to me! Bama.
#16 North Carolina State-#3 Clemson. Clemson, don't pull a Clemson here. Clemson.
Colorado at #15 Wershington. Man, the Raping Buffalos are 17.5 point dogs! They are 5-1. And Washington's 5-2? And they're ranked? And ranked high. They've lost to Auburn--who are now 4-3 and unranked--close, in Seattle and last week, close, at #17 Oregon. Buffs lost at USC (4-2) last week. Have they played anybody...No, not really...Well, who the fuck has Washington beaten...Ooh, nice little win there at Utah...Crushed BYU at home when the Mormon Racists were #20. Washington.
#18 Paterno-Sandusky-Indiana. Fourth-and-Five Franklin.
#22 Mississippi State-#5 LSU. LSU
#10 UCF-East Carolina. UCF.
Heh-heh-heh UConn-#21 USF. Poodles gonna get another double nickle laid on 'em, Poodles are. USF.
#2 Ohio State-Purdue. UPSET! UPSET ALERT! I'm picking Purdue which means OSU will win and cover.
#12 Oregon-#25 Washington State. Guess who's favored? Cougs by 3, which means on a neutral field this would be a pick 'em. Yet O's are ranked 12th and Cougs 25th. Know why that's so fucked up. Because all these teams play on Beijing time and no normal person ever sees them play. Washington has really played a sucky schedule so I'm picking the Ducks.
Vanderbilt-#14 Kentucky. UK lost their first at Texas A&M last week. Vandy has played a brutal schedule, hasn't beaten anybody either and got blown out at home to South Carolina and the Cocks don't blow...out many teams. Kentucky.
Embarrassment tomorrow.
