Thank you!

booing hissing

Thank you friends and enemies!

Thank you for your warm greeting.

This son of Pennsyltucky has never forgotten where he came from no matter how hard he tried.

I have chosen the Northern Cambria football stadium in my home town to announce that today I am a candidate for President of the United States.

scattered applause

I have chosen this stadium hard by the Shit Crick because five generations of my family going back to the Civil War were born and raised and went into the coal mines here. My forefathers fought in each of our nation’s wars in the last 160 years, and left forever as soon as they got the chance if they survived the wars.

There is another candidate in this race who claims Pennsylvania as his native state, but he is from Scranton which doesn’t count.

Boo! Anthracite blows.

I am the only candidate in this race who has waded through the Shit Crick and gotten an aggressive round of painful tetanus shots as prophylactic. Tetanus shots mold a man’s character.

I am the only candidate who has fallen into the Hughes Bore Hole and glowed neon for three weeks until a powerful cocktail of detox agents gradually restored my skin to a more natural “fake bake” tone.

I will issue hazmat suits free of charge to anyone who wishes to continue living.

I am running on a platform of “Grease Makes Food Taste Good,” and “Better Living Through Chemicals.”

Yeah!

I have a comprehensive plan to curb our nation’s health care costs in my White Paper “Going to the Doctor Makes You Sick.”

A program to mitigate climate change titled “Air conditioning makes you hot.”

To eliminate the scourge of crime the proposal called “Cops create crime.”

And an economic revitalization program for proud but distressed communities like this and so many others. I will retrain coal miners to manufacture methamphetamines in your home kitchens for resale to rich Republicans in the cities.

Yeah (throaty)

Finally, on a personal note, I will change by executive order the despised name “Northern Cambria” back to the original Barnesboro and Spangler!

Thunderous cheering, Ben! Ben! Ben!

In closing I paraphrase Supreme Court Justice Oliver Wendell Holmes, “Three generations of imbeciles are not enough. We need a fourth.”

If not us, who? If not now, when!

Ben! Ben! Ben! Wild cheering.

Thank you Barnesboro! Thank you Spangler! Thank all yinz!

-30-