Dear Cleveland,
All Of Northeast Ohio and Cleveland Cavaliers Supporters Wherever You May Be Tonight;
As you now know,
our former hero, Kyrie Irving, is no longer a Cleveland Cavalier, traded by our former savior,
that kid Altman, for our future hero, Isaiah Thomas, who is damaged goods, might as well be
Franklin Eleanor Roosevelt, a Cleveland Cadaver.
This was announced
after a month-long, narcissistic, self-promotional build-up by Altman culminating
with a "decision" unlike anything ever "witnessed" in the
history of sports medicine and probably the history of entertainment.
Clearly, this is
bitterly disappointing to all of us.
The good news is
that the ownership team and the rest of the hard-working, low-earning, loyal,
and driven like-rented-mules staff over here at your hometown Cavaliers have
not betrayed you nor NEVER will betray you.
There is so much
more to tell you about the events of the recent past and our more than exciting
future except this season. Over the next several days and weeks, we will be
communicating much of that to you in a narcissistic, self-promotional build-up unlike
anything ever “witnessed” in the history of sports and probably the history of
entertainment.
You simply don't
deserve this kind of cowardly betrayal.
You have given so
much and deserve so much more.
In the meantime, I
want to make one statement to you tonight:
"I PERSONALLY
GUARANTEE THAT THE CLEVELAND CAVALIERS WILL WIN AN NBA CHAMPIONSHIP
BEFORE THAT LITTLE FUCK DANNY AINGE WINS ONE"
You can take it to
BankBoston.
If you thought we
were motivated before tonight to bring hardcore to Cleveland, I can tell you
that this shameful display of incompetence and betrayal by one of our very own
has shifted our "motivation" to previously unknown and previously
never experienced levels ever “witnessed” in the history of sports and probably
the history of entertainment.
Some people think
they should go to heaven but NOT have to die to get there.
Sorry, but that's
simply not how it works.
This shocking act
of disloyalty from my "chosen one" sends the exact opposite lesson of
what we would want our children to learn, never get cheated by a goy. And
"who" we would want them to grow-up to become, a Jew like me.
But the good news
is that I am still a heartless and callous asshole and can only serve as the
antidote to the so-called "curse" on Cleveland, Ohio.
Our former hero, “King
Kyrie” will be taking the "curse" with him down south east as
I have personally implanted a bomb in his body.
And until he does "right" by Cleveland and Ohio, Irving (and
the town where he plays) will unfortunately own this dreaded spell and bad
karma and he will detonate on opening night against your hometown Cleveland
Cavaliers.
Just watch.
Sleep well,
Cleveland.
Tomorrow, maybe
day after tomorrow, is a new and much brighter day....
I PROMISE you that
our energy, focus, capital, knowledge and experience will be directed at one thing
and one thing only:
DELIVERING THE
KYRIE BOMB to Boston that they have long deserved and is long overdue....
Dan Gilbert
Majority Owner
Cleveland
Cavaliers
